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The Hunger Games should be about Adele and Kirstie Alley playing Jenga for the last box of Girl Scout cookies.
When you wake up at 11:30 and consider a gym trip before work at 2 pm "early morning workout" only then are you Alex Simons
Drake looks like the kind of guy who would give a stripper a folded $20 bill with a note inside that says "you don't have to do this
It's pretty sweet that Joakim Noah can play for the Bulls and be in LMFAO.
I wonder how many of our parent's liquor cabinets still just have big bottles of water in them.
Sometimes I'll give a woman my number on the back of a receipt for protein powder & be like "whoops, guess the cat's out of the bag" & flex
Often times when rappers say "y'all know what this is" I act like I do but deep down I don't
If @taylorgailey and @andreacchitwo8 were actually dating it would start raining frogs and first borns would die in Egypt. #apocalypse
Don't get too excited, Klondike... I'd do all that shit for any other ice cream too.
Before twitter I really had no idea what a Kardashian was, fact! From what I can gather it's an exercise bike for basketball players.
Too bad Anne Frank never saw Home Alone. Could have been a serious game changer in my opinion.
Here's the thing: If you have a lot of "haters," there's a pretty good chance that you actually are an asshole.
When you're having dinner with her parents, casually mention: "I just realized, everyone at this table has spanked you."
Spent last night baby-proofing my house. Nothing is more terrifying than the thought of a baby getting in here and killing me in my sleep.
Losing all your contacts from your cell-phone is the adult version of dying in a video game
@taylorgailey @andreacchitwo8 Christ Taylor pick a team! this is real ugly, i better see both of you this summer
It must be awesome to date Taylor Swift right up until it gets dark and creepy and she shows you all her beheaded Barbies.
....I should probably be doing work of some sort...
