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The Hunger Games should be about Adele and Kirstie Alley playing Jenga for the last box of Girl Scout cookies.
When you wake up at 11:30 and consider a gym trip before work at 2 pm "early morning workout" only then are you Alex Simons
Drake looks like the kind of guy who would give a stripper a folded $20 bill with a note inside that says "you don't have to do this
I just don't understand how Mario and Luigi got ANY plumbing done.
It's pretty sweet that Joakim Noah can play for the Bulls and be in LMFAO.
I wonder how many of our parent's liquor cabinets still just have big bottles of water in them.
Sometimes I'll give a woman my number on the back of a receipt for protein powder & be like "whoops, guess the cat's out of the bag" & flex
Often times when rappers say "y'all know what this is" I act like I do but deep down I don't
Wait, why the hell does Frogger die when he goes in the water?
Don't get too excited, Klondike... I'd do all that shit for any other ice cream too.
Before twitter I really had no idea what a Kardashian was, fact! From what I can gather it's an exercise bike for basketball players.
Too bad Anne Frank never saw Home Alone. Could have been a serious game changer in my opinion.
Here's the thing: If you have a lot of "haters," there's a pretty good chance that you actually are an asshole.
Fat vegetarians: what happened?
When you're having dinner with her parents, casually mention: "I just realized, everyone at this table has spanked you."
Spent last night baby-proofing my house. Nothing is more terrifying than the thought of a baby getting in here and killing me in my sleep.
Losing all your contacts from your cell-phone is the adult version of dying in a video game
It must be awesome to date Taylor Swift right up until it gets dark and creepy and she shows you all her beheaded Barbies.