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Did you remember to masturbate today?
I wonder how many dead people are still on Facebook.
Yeah, I guess I think about wieners occasionally.
I'm giving blood on one of those little buses, and I'm about to fart.
Portrait of the Artist with a Wallet Chain
I've never tried cocaine because I've seen myself after just one potato chip.
"Thanks for ruining my life, motherfucker!!!" -me, to my brother-in-law, after he tagged me at Red Lobster on Facebook.
I don't think I've ever ended up in a hot tub in my undies, but sometimes I plan my outfits like "what if I end up in a hot tub in my undies
Most people tweet about Ryan Gosling sometimes, but not me.
Told my son: "Never post anything incriminating or embarrassing or hurtful on Facebook. You do that fucking shit on Twitter."
SORRY FOR PARTY FARTIN
Business idea: tampon string charms
Dear girl accusing me of doing coke in the bathroom,
I don't even smoke pot. I'm just wearing a very complicated spanx.
Dear guys with huge biceps and long hair,
I don't get it.
And I'm pretty sure you don't either.
If boning in the morning is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
I don't think you understand how much it jiggles.
My 7-year-old had a little scare in the bathtub when he could only find one of his testicles for like 30 seconds.
RT if you're so clumsy you feel a slight adrenaline rush every time you begin a descent down a set of stairs.
You can tell by the names of some people's kids that they really want you to comment on the names of their kids.
I have a drinking problem. The kind from Airplane. This alter-ego is incompatible with my professional self, but I yam who I yam.