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Did you remember to masturbate today?
I wonder how many dead people are still on Facebook.
Yeah, I guess I think about wieners occasionally.
I'm giving blood on one of those little buses, and I'm about to fart.
Portrait of the Artist with a Wallet Chain
I've never tried cocaine because I've seen myself after just one potato chip.
"Thanks for ruining my life, motherfucker!!!" -me, to my brother-in-law, after he tagged me at Red Lobster on Facebook.
I don't think I've ever ended up in a hot tub in my undies, but sometimes I plan my outfits like "what if I end up in a hot tub in my undies
Most people tweet about Ryan Gosling sometimes, but not me.
Told my son: "Never post anything incriminating or embarrassing or hurtful on Facebook. You do that fucking shit on Twitter."
perfect crying weather
SORRY FOR PARTY FARTIN
Dear girl accusing me of doing coke in the bathroom,
I don't even smoke pot. I'm just wearing a very complicated spanx.
Dear guys with huge biceps and long hair,
I don't get it.
And I'm pretty sure you don't either.
If boning in the morning is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
I don't think you understand how much it jiggles.
My 7-year-old had a little scare in the bathtub when he could only find one of his testicles for like 30 seconds.
RT if you're so clumsy you feel a slight adrenaline rush every time you begin a descent down a set of stairs.
Cookies with nuts in them can suck all of my dicks.