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I'm giving blood on one of those little buses, and I'm about to fart.
I've never tried cocaine because I've seen myself after just one potato chip.
"Thanks for ruining my life, motherfucker!!!" -me, to my brother-in-law, after he tagged me at Red Lobster on Facebook.
I don't think I've ever ended up in a hot tub in my undies, but sometimes I plan my outfits like "what if I end up in a hot tub in my undies
Told my son: "Never post anything incriminating or embarrassing or hurtful on Facebook. You do that fucking shit on Twitter."
Dear girl accusing me of doing coke in the bathroom,
I don't even smoke pot. I'm just wearing a very complicated spanx.
Sincerely,
Ali
Dear guys with huge biceps and long hair,
I don't get it.
And I'm pretty sure you don't either.
Sincerely,
Ali
My 7-year-old had a little scare in the bathtub when he could only find one of his testicles for like 30 seconds.
RT if you're so clumsy you feel a slight adrenaline rush every time you begin a descent down a set of stairs.
You can tell by the names of some people's kids that they really want you to comment on the names of their kids.
They should really be more specific than "serial groper." Like maybe "serial butt grabber" or "serial titty honker."
I have a drinking problem. The kind from Airplane. This alter-ego is incompatible with my professional self, but I yam who I yam.
