Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Behind every good man is a good woman, trying to put her finger in his butt because Cosmo told her to.
Singles? In MY area?!???!
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
The few times I've been offered an amazing opportunity, I fight the urge to lean in and whisper, "You know that I'm a fucking idiot, right?"
Remember on Pimp My Ride when Xzibit put a chandelier in some 19 year-old's car and then the housing market crashed?
My feminist ideals fall somewhere between equal pay and I won't have sex with you if we split the bill.
The word "Caesar" has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I just parallel parked in a way that set women's lib back about 50 years.
What do you MEAN there are no food trucks named "Nom Chompsky"?!
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
What is your favorite Mumford & Sons' song to change the station to?
Well, I've eaten all of my work snacks so now I hate it here.
"We will not send in ground troops" is the US version of "just the tip."
Just ate a burrito so big that I had to forget algebra to make room.
When I see teenage couples I like to fantasize about how they're going to break up.
If you really, truly love something; you have to defend it loudly in a bar even when no one is arguing with you.
A girl will tell you if her dress has pockets 30 seconds into a conversation.
Sometimes I'll just eat something because I'm tired of holding it.
Well, the cat is out of the bag: I'm terrible at stealing cats.
Your hash tags are never going to trend, white people.
Sketch writer at Upright Citizens Brigade - Los Angeles and at @Wits. Written for The Atlantic, This Recording, Nerdist and MTV. Decent human. Pro-Snuggling.