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Sometimes I tweet, then spend 10 minutes constantly refreshing my @ notifications to see if my life has value.
Dear 12 year olds: Stop trying to bum smokes off me. Just because I am ruining my life doesn't mean I want to ruin yours. You're TWELVE.
My dad says "the greatest thing I ever learned from my kids was how to give a real hug." Hold 'em tight guys.
If you are white and have dreads and don't sell weed...that is fucking false advertising man.
Will I ever stop finding dogs wearing shoes funny?
Baggage fees can suck my dick.
They made me weigh my bag to get on a TRAIN. Who are you kidding, train? I'll bring as much crap on this train as I want.
My upstairs neighbour is listening to very loud Gregorian chanting...am I allowed to punch her next time I see her?
I tell the jokes and write the words and act the parts and cohost the radio show Ward and Al, SiriusXM channel 167 1pm-4pm EST, Mon-Fri.