Sadly enough, a dream girl is usually a nightmare in real life.

Y'know just once, I'd like to get a box with Gweneth Paltrows head in it.

Whenever something weird/startling happens, I say 'Do it again motherfucker' because if it's a ghost, you can't let them know you're scared.

If they're serving seafood at 'marine' parks, why can't I eat some fuckin' tiger at the zoo?

If jesus had a hip hop name it would be 'Lawd Jeezy'

Shit! Even i enjoy looking at my boobs!

Remember Jesus loves you, and hot dogs. Jesus loves you and hot dogs, but not necessarily in that order.

'I follow back' is the twitter equivalent to 'I go down'

When I was a kid 'friends with benefits' meant that kid had a nintendo.

I'd like to put my dick in that.
- guys

My inner child is black.

My safe word is 'I have 3 kids'

Punk's not dead, it's just passed out in the front yard.
Ahh the memories.

People who unwrap gifts without tearing paper are the burlesque artists of holidays

I think stretch fabric started the downfall of our civilization.

Twitter should have the fuckin' decency to tell you all its my birthday right this minute.

I always keep a fifth of vodka in my cleavage. Just in case.

Spent most of the afternoon cleaning and organizing my kids room. It's like a weird CSI for toys in there.

When i'm agitated I clean things. So if your house is a mess, you can invite me over and tell me something distressing.

My superpower is boobs.