I don't know what's worse, a balloon popping unexpectedly, or opening a can of biscuits.

You can make any song sound like a hiphop song by placing "that ass" somewhere in the title. Try it!

I just want somebody to occupy my vagina.

"His accent made my butt tingle."

At the DMV trying not to breathe too deep. Don't want to catch Contagion.

A movie's box office sales don't make it good or bad. Sure, a lot of people saw The Devil Inside, but a lot of people voted for Hitler too.

My sock keeps sliding down in my shoe and the human condition and cats.

I want to know what men think they look like in them big ass church suits.

If I ever took a picture with Kevin Spacey, I would never need to take another picture again. :(

Maybe the kind of man I want doesn't occur in nature.

If I was attracted to homeless old men, I'd have like a million boyfriends.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but don't nobody wanna behold that shit.

I just thought to myself "I wonder what year it is in Russia right now..."

Why does every white person think they're part Irish? I guess the same reason every black person thinks they're part Cherokee.

It's harder to dislike a woman when she has a raspy voice.

I wish I could give up on life enough to get a pornhub account because sometimes I'm just dying to leave comments.

Does Dean Koontz realize his last name is Koontz?

I KEEP ACCIDENTALLY WATCHING THE BIG BANG THEORY.

I hate how people say "I love how..." when they mean "I hate how..."

Patè is just potted meat, y'all.