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After a 30-minute discussion with Christopher Hitchens in my office, I'm now convinced that I don't exist.
To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree."
I apologize to the African children who starved while I was bailing Tebow out yesterday. Er, uh, welcome to Heaven!
Behold, I have punished NY for their gay-marrying ways!! ... Oh shit, I missed. Sorry, Virginia!
The parts about creation, miracles & gays are literal, but when the Bible says to give your stuff away, it's metaphor.
There are adults with fully-functioning internet connections who still believe that the earth is 6000 years old.
The "pro-life" party is the one that hates saving kids from cancer & cheers for executions & letting the uninsured die.
It warms my heart to see Christians praising Paul Ryan, an Ayn Rand acolyte who would slash aid to the poor and increase war spending. #wwjd
If you're happy and you know it, it's a sin.
The best way to prove that your religion is not violent: Kill anyone who says your religion is violent.
RIP Steve Jobs. Also: Fuck you, cancer.
I thought this was obvious, but, Commandment #11: Thou shalt not molest kids. #Sandusky #Catholic
Science says that true ideas should be popular. Faith says that popular ideas should be true.
I let 500 children starve this afternoon, but sure, I'll answer your prayer. I'm sure it's more important.
For protecting one pedophile, Penn state is excluded from 4 bowl games. What should the Catholic Church get for protecting thousands?
The best idea I ever came up with was to kill my son to save humans from my wrath. I am my son.
I'm into creating universes, smiting people, writing holy books and listening to prayers.