I'm pretty open-minded, but there's something kinda creepy about returning the handcuffs to the kids' toy bin the next morning.

Funny how as soon as you get a TV deal your dad doesn't have much shit to say anymore.

I challenged my husband to stay awake until after the kids go to bed. Unlike most men, he doesn't mind losing to a woman.

Kanye West is now on Twitter. Since he doesn't follow anyone, not only will he not let you finish, he's not gonna let you start, either.

Looks like I may have fallen in with the wrong crowd.
Cool. Think I like it.

For the most part, I've found that people who don't care rarely feel like making an effort to pick up their arms, let alone wave them.

Hubs is whining cuz he's losing at fantasy football. "Stop your crying," I say "it's not even real!"

And then I check my favstar score.

Want to unfollow the "happy people" but kinda believe in karma. Also, I'm afraid of robots.

They can put a man on the moon, but they can't make a refrigerator with a built-in vodka dispenser?!

Twitter Jeopardy! A: You know how to spell Bukkake. Q: How do you know when Twitter has permanently sullied your soul?

Why Americans are hated: Kid1 "The cleaning people know lots of languages." Kid2 "I only know one language - 'Normal'. "

Dreamt I was Sarah Jessica Parker. Some people took me out for drinks...but I wasn't thirsty...

When I steam spaghetti squash my husband says it looks like breasts. That's why I unfollowed him. Would have been funnier if he said tits.

The 6 p.m. conundrum: Do I take the daytime or the nighttime cold medicine?

I used to be a doormat, complete with "Welcome" sign. Now I'm windchimes. Fuck you, if you don't like the noise.

What's that signal you give the bell-ringer that says I-gave-you-a-dollar-yesterday-so-enough-with-your-judgmental-look?

Forgot to say I'm thankful that my kids can't read yet. And when they do...oh boy, they're not gonna be sharing Mommy's computer anymore!

When *I* yell at my kids they just ignore me, but when my husband does it they go right to sleep. Even moms can't escape sex discrimination.

You may spell it "webinar", but I read it as "winebar". Now where did you put the corkscrew?

Overheard spouse on conference call perform a 15-min monologue w/out coming up for air. Impressive skill...amirite, ladies?