Thanks for the note, dad. http://t.co/DEsvbnwD #vikings

Sorry lil teenage bitches walking three-wide down the sidewalk but this 33-year-old bitch is going to break your shit up. #recognize

What could America be capable of if it spent less time looking for a closer parking spot?

I run 5ks mostly just to stock up on safety pins.

Let a woman be a woman and a man be a goat man.

Lot of vehicles sporting high top fades out there.

I'd like to thank Minnesota sports for being there to disappoint my parents more than I ever will.

I'm gonna need a cigarette after this, I can tell.

Yes, I had a dream Terminator 2 was a romantic comedy and I was the love interest. Oh, the laughs T-1000 and I shared...

Does anyone know if Benjamin Moore is hiring? I just described a paint color as "dusty eucalyptus."

It's a great day for Minnesota!

Is this an option? pic.twitter.com/LF7gTlxX

Or their murderer! Who knows! http://t.co/Aq0Nkdk4

Thought I was bored with twitter. Turns out I just needed a cocktail.

How was my day? I forgot I drove to work and got on the bus home.

» Your friendly reminder to put a fried egg on top of everything ever.

My stepmom is leaving eggs and cayenne powder under the birdfeeder to fend off squirrels, but I think she's just turning them into foodies.

An email from Joe Biden titled "Saturday Night" can only mean he's wondering if I want to go for a ride in his Trans Am this weekend.

It's been like 45 minutes and my parents haven't complimented me on my whistling along to every single christmas carol that's played.

Just tried coconut water for the first time. It's supposed to taste like tanning oil skimmed off the top of a city park wading pool, right?