If zombies ever do attack, I'll just skip coffee that morning. They'll leave me alone because they'll think I'm one of them.

The KKK was protesting against those Westboro fuckers. When the fucking KKK acts as the voice of reason, something is very, very wrong.

Everyone comes with baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.

The good thing about Twitter is that it cured my Facebook addiction. And by cured I mean Twitter took over my life.

My life is a never-ending cycle of "what the fuck just happened?"

I have an army of decapitated gummy bears on my desk. When someone asks me a stupid question, I bite the head off another & stare at them.

Women don't even understand women. I don't know how the fuck we expect men to figure us out...

Told my FB friends I was breaking up with FB for Twitter. An actual reply: "Twitter's a slut. You're gonna get the clap."

Drunk coworker: Have you ever heard of Twitter? I just signed up!

Me: No, that doesn't sound like something I would like.

Someone is trying to tell me they don't drink coffee. They're not fooling me...everyone knows you need coffee to live.

Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. Do you have any idea how much strength it takes to be kind to you?

Some mistakes are totally worth repeating.

My mom just called to question me about something I posted on FB. If she finds Twitter, I will kill myself.

Bitch about wanting to kill people on FB, people message you to see if you're okay. Do it on Twitter, you get 25 stars & a ton of RTs.

When I meet someone & they say "I think I know you from somewhere" all I can think is "please don't say Twitter, anywhere but Twitter".

A friend in a long distance relationship told me "you're so lucky you're married & can have sex all the time." I'm still laughing.

A lady in front of me at the store yelled at the cashier because her candy rang up 2 for $1.50...she insisted they were 99 cents each.

Judging by the look he just gave me, my husband is not familiar with the Chocolate Amendment to the 5-second rule.

What's that, Jesus? Your followers are supposed to love everyone? Even gays? It's in the Bible?! You must be so disappointed...

My phone needs a "do laundry" app...as of now I'll be going to work tomorrow in ripped jeans and a NIN shirt from 1994.