Look, me being five minutes late is actually me being ten minutes early because I'm normally fifteen minutes late to everything.

Fact checking: Cosmo is written by virgins, right? I can't imagine an adult, who has had actual sex, writing anything that's in there.

Someone wanna come clean our apartment? I'll pay you in the form of a performance of an episode of Roseanne, where I play all the parts.

Let's all just give each other things and not ever use or need money.

On Celebrity Fit Club there is a lady that's my height and basically my weight. I'm totally celebrity fat.

Turns out "gonorrhea" is not a cute way of saying "gone."

I'll probably buy your zine. I probably won't listen to your band.

First song I listened to in 2012: Spice Girls "2 Become 1." I win at life. Obviously.

I bought some new sheets. I made Michael feel them, he said "You're going to sleep forever now." I agreed until I realized that meant death.

Seven-year-old boy humping a mannequin at JCPenney.

If you accessorize leggings and a t-shirt enough you can distract away from the fact that you are more or less in gym clothes.

Normal Saturday over here. pic.twitter.com/dayEynk4

If we are friends and we didn't meet online you are in the minority.

I'm about to take my key and stick it in the ignition.

You know when you don't have any food, so you eat a couple handfuls of Bac'n Bits?

I only listen to NPR or rap in my car. I only listen to podcasts and musicals in my home. I'm pretty cool, guys.

AJ, while I tried to decide which cookie to get: That's one thing you're not good at, making decisions. Me: Name one thing I am good at.

Look @megane_ko sends me pictures of The Rock so I send her pictures of Morgue from Freakshow, it evens out.

I believe Michael Keaton to be Bruce Wayne more than anyone else who has ever played him.

MAC makes an even lighter shade than I currently use?! Now I can be two shades lighter than my actual skin color! #goth4life