I would do anything for 10 min a day if it increased my energy, boosted my mood, and helped me lose weight.

Except exercise. Never that.

No matter how much you shake it, there's still a little that leaks out of the gas nozzle. So I totally get it, guys.

I can't hear the word "kegel" without involuntarily doing one.

If you ask me to make a sandwich after sex, you probably should call poison control in advance.

Life is simple for kids: Find a person about your same age. Ask their name. Be friends. When do we lose that?

When I drop something, there's a second where I just stand there deciding if it's worth reaching down for.

I don't drink or do drugs.

It's not fair, I should have a Twitter handicap or something.

We bought a trampoline for our daughter and I thought of the sexual possibilities of it before my husband did.

I blame you.

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, "Which one's yours?"
I replied, "None of them... yet."

My cat gives painful breast exams. Better safe than sorry, I guess.

In terms of evolution, I just don't get it. At some point in history, did any part of the male anatomy vibrate?

A dick pic avi just followed me but his tweets are private. Talk about not having your priorities straight.

Doing kegels while peeing is a good way to weird out the person in the next stall.

If you daydream right into someone's eyes, they totally think you're paying attention.

Guys need wives because who welse is gonna talk to yous wike a baby when you is feewing sicky poo?

Asked the cute Home Depot guy to lead me to duct tape, zip ties, and rope. Then I asked him when his shift ended.

Awkward silences would stop being awkward if you'd shut the fuck up more often.

As we get older, women's sex drive ramps up and men's go down.

Please tell me there is a point where we meet in the middle.

Guys FYI - "it will be really quick" is not a selling point.

Him: Don't you have to hold it open when you pee?

Me: You've seen WAY too much porn.