Dear 2011, We thought u'd have flying cars n robots by now, but Congrats on the backwards robes n shaped rubberbands. Sincerely 1950.

Satan called. He wants his weather back.

I'm pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created just so they can check out our asses.

Watching Old School. Then gonna listen to Otis Redding all day while I do absolutely nothing. Who wants to join me?

If a bra is called an over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, is a jock strap an under-the-butt-nut-hut?

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than dinner for two.

I can't brain today. I has the dumb.

To whiskey or not to whiskey? That....is a dumb question cuz I'm totally gonna drink the whiskey.

You're a special kind of stupid aren't you?

After watching both Hoarders and Intervention I realize I'm a fucking saint with a spotless house.

@roylee25 oh how I hate, Ohio state. Lol.

If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a zombie shark who throws up so many people they have to open up a beach.

Ok, seriously...who set the thermostat to "Hell"??

Going to start calling my kids 10, 11A and 11B since I always mix their names up. Gah #motheroftheyear

Hoping tomorrow is a better day. If not, I'll be handing out free muff punts all day.

Him:"dude I wasn't that drunk!!" Her: "You threw my hamster, yelling Go Pikachu!!"

I love our pool. Took a dip, and was shivering when I got out. Definitely doesn't feel like 90 now. Still wanna get drunk tho.

Beer me. NOW.

Well. I suppose now is a good time for wine.

Welcome new followers. I apologize in advance for dumb, irrelevant tweets. Meds are served promptly at 7 pm. Not really. Carry on.