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If the rapture really happens, tell Jesus he can find me at a shady bar full of hot lesbians. I’ll be the one with a boob in my hand.
Why, why, why, why, why .... do lesbian bars still play "Lick it?”
Your entire life comes to a screeching halt when your alcoholic pregnant sister asks you to raise her unborn baby.
Whoever made this coffee: you suck. Oh, right. That would be me.
If God really wanted me to marry a man, She would have given him breasts and a detachable penis.
Casual suggestion of the day: if u see me lying down when I am supposed to be jogging, only approach me if u are a hot female. Thank you.
It is no coincidence that today is both Clitoris Awareness Day & National Honey Day. They are both sticky, sweet, & yummy to eat. Enjoy!
My brother’s "sacred" one-year marriage is coming to an end. My nearly 11-year relationship is still being debated in the news.
Tom Selleck is trending? Mom, put down the twitter.
The Vibrator: raspberry vodka, orange vodka, chambord raspberry liqueur, orange juice, cranberry juice. You're welcome.
Thanks to auto-correct, I just told my mother to “ball me later.”
Fuck “Spin the bottle.” Who is up for a game of nude Chutes & Ladders? I call first.
Last day of April and we have snow ... again. That's it, I'm moving to Florida.
Disclaimer: My opinions about my own life are not a reflection of how I feel about yours.
The best part about today will be playing hide-and-go-seek with my nieces & nephews. This is the best defense for fending off my siblings.
If you and I do not laugh at the same things, then you are obviously normal.
Free unsolicited advice: Do not follow a lesbian if you don't like lesbians. Sound simple? You're welcome.
That awkward moment when a 6-year old tells you that you're weird ... and you're like ... "Oh yeah?"
My memories need a delete button.
I am not a stalker. I am a voyeur. Big difference, folks.
My life: my rules. A lover, not a fighter and 100% ... Lesbian.