If the rapture really happens, tell Jesus he can find me at a shady bar full of hot lesbians. I’ll be the one with a boob in my hand.

Why, why, why, why, why .... do lesbian bars still play "Lick it?”

Your entire life comes to a screeching halt when your alcoholic pregnant sister asks you to raise her unborn baby.

Whoever made this coffee: you suck. Oh, right. That would be me.

If God really wanted me to marry a man, She would have given him breasts and a detachable penis.

Casual suggestion of the day: if u see me lying down when I am supposed to be jogging, only approach me if u are a hot female. Thank you.

It is no coincidence that today is both Clitoris Awareness Day & National Honey Day. They are both sticky, sweet, & yummy to eat. Enjoy!

My brother’s "sacred" one-year marriage is coming to an end. My nearly 11-year relationship is still being debated in the news.

Tom Selleck is trending? Mom, put down the twitter.

The Vibrator: raspberry vodka, orange vodka, chambord raspberry liqueur, orange juice, cranberry juice. You're welcome.

Thanks to auto-correct, I just told my mother to “ball me later.”

Fuck “Spin the bottle.” Who is up for a game of nude Chutes & Ladders? I call first.

Last day of April and we have snow ... again. That's it, I'm moving to Florida.

Disclaimer: My opinions about my own life are not a reflection of how I feel about yours.

The best part about today will be playing hide-and-go-seek with my nieces & nephews. This is the best defense for fending off my siblings.

If you and I do not laugh at the same things, then you are obviously normal.

Free unsolicited advice: Do not follow a lesbian if you don't like lesbians. Sound simple? You're welcome.

That awkward moment when a 6-year old tells you that you're weird ... and you're like ... "Oh yeah?"

My memories need a delete button.

I am not a stalker. I am a voyeur. Big difference, folks.