I ain't evil, I'm just good-looking.

heaven help us there are already people wearing shamrock antennae

Ron's mom will be here in 2 hours so I gotta hide my entire weed stash (IN MY LUNGS no one will think to look there).

My Internet girlfriend is Carmen Sandiego.

Django Unchained was sold out. It took me a long time to slash all the tires in the Eastgate Cinema parking lot.

@abigbagofkeys Hope you don't mind me asking - is your avatar a gaping asshole?

I'm day drinking bourbon in a biker bar.

#ff a handful of my internet brides @misssy_bun @tonsofjpuns @sococoke @jeffreygschultz @mrchrislay

Jesus Save Me (A Seat at the Elvis Concert)

Mommy needs a martini.

I want to fill a baby bottle with Bailey's and go back to bed.

We clearly instructed you to drop it like it's hot, and you are obviously dipping it like it's warm. #yourefired

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Chanel's Holographic nail polish. pic.twitter.com/jg3lHbtS

Two words: dump truck pool party.

@misssy_bun fills my world with bromance

@misssy_bun FINALLY I have the right outfit for the job interview.

gonna go have halftime sex brb

Softball chicks have ponytails as thick as porn star cocks.

Birds, you've left me with no other option but to shit in your nests.