you had me at the proper use of "you're"

If twitter were a club, there would be a VIP section w/ the celebs & the rest would be a bunch of awkward people holding cats & smoking weed

"The world would be a nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would get even better is some of them choked on it"

If you're tweeting and fucking at the same time, that is both weird and impressive

Hi, I'm @djderk. Vaginas, Weed, Buttholes.

I'm not saying you're a slut, but a lot of guys have become Eskimo brothers on your behalf

I'm most vulnerable when my nails are wet. But I'd still be able to pull a trigger, if I had to

Is your dick a sign of things to cum?

every Amber I've met is a slut

Crocs: the only form of birth control Rick Santorum approves of

Hipsters smell bad

Medicine is the best medicine

TRUTH http://t.co/kIfll4Pc

Nothing ruins a Friday like realizing it's only Tuesday

Being extremely sore and having bruises all over your legs just isn't worth it unless it's from sex

@djderk @karencreets you guys are cute as fuck. Just threw up. Perfect amount

Hate sex is the best sex

.@starbucks is giving away free coffee this morning yet I still choose to pay for @oaklawncoffee

I supported gay marriage before red equal signs

I don't know how it's taken me this long to read this but I basically want to marry @robdelaney now  http://m.vice.com/read/comedy-545-v17n10 …