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guy in front of me at Starbucks ordered a Tall Blonde and I whispered creepily in his ear "short blondes are better." my work here is done
tweeting about watching porn is tricky because my aunt follows me and tells my mom that I'm vulgar. HI AUNT MARY.
when ordering coffee from me, when you say "black coffee" that means plain coffee. do not say dumb shit like "black coffee 4 cream 2 sugar"
I know I made it to Iowa because they are selling John Deere lingerie at the airport.
if you don't tweet about your flight being delayed is it really delayed
whenever someone asks me how I like my job I say "it has it's ups & downs." and then I laugh and laugh and laugh
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, MOTHERFUCKERS! (see what I did there?)
i'm holding a charity event for people who can't reach orgasm. if you can't come let me know
don't waste your whole relationship worried about what your relationship is. enjoy each other. respect each other. care about each other.
when people talk about being a mix of an introvert & an extrovert, I want to say, no you are just a regular person.
the fact that nobody understands you does not make you an artist.