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hey people who say "you can sleep when you're dead" did you know you can also sleep when you are alive? try it, it's really quite nice.
guy in front of me at Starbucks ordered a Tall Blonde and I whispered creepily in his ear "short blondes are better." my work here is done
if I was good and fast at sewing I would open up a shop called Tailor Swift
literally the only single thing on this earth I want: is for my friends to be happy. if you are happy, it makes me happy.
going to start an airline called Ampersand Air where no one is allowed to talk on the aircraft.
literally everything could be covered in chameleons
I wake up, bra-less
Post up, bra-less
Ridin' round in it, bra-less
Flossin' on that, bra-less
reasons why you should wave down/shout at/poke your flight attendant
1.) you, or someone next to you, is dying
2.) that's it
getting sexy pics of your girlfriends is way better than any dick pic, ever.
a dude asked if I had any scissors onboard. I was like sir we can't even bring 4 fl ounces of yogurt onboard no we do not have scissors
when I say "let's grab a drink"
I mean let's grab 10 drinks
an ampersand is an & sign, ya dummy!
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