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guy in front of me at Starbucks ordered a Tall Blonde and I whispered creepily in his ear "short blondes are better." my work here is done
when ordering coffee from me, when you say "black coffee" that means plain coffee. do not say dumb shit like "black coffee 4 cream 2 sugar"
I know I made it to Iowa because they are selling John Deere lingerie at the airport.
if you don't tweet about your flight being delayed is it really delayed
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, MOTHERFUCKERS! (see what I did there?)
i'm holding a charity event for people who can't reach orgasm. if you can't come let me know
don't waste your whole relationship worried about what your relationship is. enjoy each other. respect each other. care about each other.
when people talk about being a mix of an introvert & an extrovert, I want to say, no you are just a regular person.
eating healthy is more like eating hellthy amiright??
to the bro at the beach with the tattoo on his stomach that says EST. 1991 in an Old English font: fuck. no.
"with great leg room, comes great responsibility." - me, as I brief my exit row
don't be mean today or ever.
it's against my religion to just have "a" beer.
is there anywhere where it is this weather all of the time?