I hate the grown-up table.

The weirdest part about being a parent is having to pretend to your child that the world makes sense.

Sometimes it's hard to tell, early on, if a relationship is going to develop 'Harry & Sally' or 'Hannibal & Clarice'.

Ate a burger while reading about the worst burgers in America. Now I'm gonna read about the decline of society while I tweet.

The tragicomedy of human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about bagels.

Somehow, I don't think I'm reaching my target demographic.

If you promise someone something & don't follow through, that will be the only thing they remember about you until you pee in their car.

I'd be the girl at the orgy handing out juice-boxes & powdering buns.

Let's be best friends for awhile & then fuck it up.

My life today is pretty much the result of a series of chemical imbalances.

I don't really have room to complain, so scoot over.

If you're grumpy & you know it clap your hands. Over somebody's donut. & growl like a wolverine. & lick it while maintaining eye contact.

Slow weeknight? Call up random strangers & ask if they're still in love with you.

I tell friends, "If we ever lose touch, and you ever really need to find me, just Google 'muppet sex'."

Next time someone tells you someone is funny, promptly wrestle them to the ground shrieking: "Funny is a VERY subjective word!"

Tonight I'll be live-tweeting mankind's primordial angst from the beverage station at Hardee's.

"I'm shy, but you'd never know it. Cus I lick people when I'm nervous."

I see your sardonic posturing & raise you one pantless joyride on the Ennui Express.

I paste your avatars to Reese's Pieces and swipe them all off the table when I get no FF's. Then I eat you in order of cleverness.

I broke up with people all day, yesterday. And I wasn't involved with any of them.