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What do you mean Dennis Quaid isn't Harrison Ford?
Sometimes I eat the stickers on apples just to prove to myself that I can
I begin typing "Ryan lochte tople-" and google just raises one eyebrow looking at me like so we're gonna do this again?
"Lol" is the politest possible way of saying "texting you is literally torture, can we end this conversation as quickly as possible?"
You can judge the number of personal crises I've experienced in my life by the amount of abandoned blogs that are set up in my name
"Ooh that's fancy!"
- me in response to being presented with literally any object I haven't seen before
I take the rules of 'dibs' about eight thousand times more seriously than I do the law
I'm fairly confident that I can get the whole way through the rest of my life never understanding the word 'infrastructure'
"yes of course you can see my room!" laughs hysterically while stuffing life-size cardboard cut-out of Reese Witherspoon into cupboard.
*uses instagram for twenty seconds*
*deletes instagram and moves to Albania*
Oops I just awkwarded
It's weird how everyone walks around all the time acting like sex isn't even a thing
Guy at McDonald's: the usual?
Me: oh god! My cover's been blown!
*punches him in face, sprinkles memory dust over him, goes home and cries*
I spend probably an unhealthy amount of time pondering which of my Facebook photos the media will use if/when I am murdered
Bernard Tomic claims he's not being a wanker anymore, but the stripes he's cut into his hair say otherwise
Kevin James gives hope to basically everyone
when chocolate packets boast that they're resealable I'm like "yeah lol you clearly don't know me"
I'm feminist if by feminist you mean obsessed with the spice girls
Relationship status: Mum keeps casually mentioning that in this day and age lesbianism is a totally valid lifestyle choice
"Yeah dude I would totally turn gay for Beyoncé"
"Umm I didn't ask of you would turn-"
"In a heartbeat dude"
you're looking at the inventor of the word 'fatterpillar' http://t.co/XsKSbKSx50