Cleavage - for those days when you have absolutely nothing else to offer.

At what point in history did cat-skinning become so popular that more than one method was necessary?

The next time the office skank uses the term "cool beans," I'm going to shove 1983 up her ass with an Atari controller.

Unless they start counting booze and tobacco as vegetables, I'll never get my 5 a day.

If I ever find out who keeps shrinking my pants, I'm going to strangle them. Then I'm going to steal all of their cookies.

Yellow OR brown, just flush it down. No one wants to deal with your hippie shit.

One week into being a non-smoker, and my sense of smell is returning. Related: People are gross, and you all stink.

If people could customize the font and text color of their tweets, I think I would have to brutally bitchslap 92% of twitter users.

The length of my leg hair is approaching horns and wooden flute territory.

Hour 2 of trying to quit smoking: I want to set every mother-effing one of you on fire and dance on your smoldering souls. Good start!

Just saw a guy with a mullet AND a comb in his back pocket. My Freak Bingo card is nearly complete!

Just finished cleaning a suspiciously empty litter box. Either the cat will soon explode, or you should never, ever let my dog lick you.

Being a parent of young children is like being a planet around which hungry, needy, whiny moons orbit continuously. Without stopping. Ever.

My children no longer react to the sound of a smoke alarm with any sort of fear. They just figure dinner is almost ready.

Anyone willing to adopt & nurture a slightly used & disoriented redhead? Stuff's too hard now & I no longer care to be a grown up.

My kids are in for a rude awakening once I finish tuning this trombone.

Stupid Mr. Clean magic eraser did NOTHING for these stretch marks, dark circles and cellulite. Suck it, Baldie!

My boss says "point in case." It's ok to kill him, right?

All that glitters is not Gold. In my experience, most strippers' names are more like "Diamond" and "Jade."

Sometimes, the best part about having long red hair is immediately being able to identify it as yours when pulling it out of your food.