"OH MY GOD STOP STARING AT US" - Ohio

My real life nightmare is playing out over on @burgerking

I know this isn't a fashion show, but McKayla Maroney. Girl. Your hair. What even. #olympics

.@youranonnews Not the manager. Not sure why everyone keeps giving me an imaginary promotion, but thanks!

I like to think I'm all three. RT @tednugent Pimps whores & welfare brats & their soulless supporters hav a president to destroy America

Considering so many countries are wearing traditional outfits (not you, Czech Republic), shouldn't USA have worn sweatpants? #olympics

@patrickcarney @thisbiebermafia Yo Bieber Mafia, Justin Bieber does not know or care about your existence.

@walgreens *slow clap*

A girl just stomped by in shoes that cost more than my rent but there's toilet paper stuck to the bottom of one. So there's that.

Oh good, tools for women! (cc @everydaysexism) pic.twitter.com/kzfHjlWO

Was just introduced to Wendy Thomas as "the person who pretends to be you on Twitter"

They should have Reba McEntire go backstage and teach Rihanna how to sing. #Idol

I wish I had known Obama's stance on GIF pronunciation before I voted for him

In a surprise twist, SCOTUS unanimously voted to ban marriage for everyone because "we are tired of hearing you plan your stupid weddings"

#ReasonsIUnfollowedYou You don't #understand how #hashtags work and #overuse them #socialmedia #whatisthis #idonteven

Stop it, iPhone. I have never texted the word "ducking" to anyone in my life. We both know what I'm trying to say.

#grammys drinking game: drink every time the camera cuts to Taylor Swift and she's doing something that makes you full-body cringe.

Creating a Twitter parody account #2012regrets

If your scheduled tweets are still on, you are bad at your job.

Can't believe you guys have such strong feelings about cookie varieties. I will eat literally any cookie set in front of me. The end.