@13damage How did Hitler tie his shoesies? With little knotsies.

@causticbob religion is the measure of people by invisible rulers.

@dahess1 now I suddenly wanna see a cat Pope in a sedan saying, "I can haz popemobile?"

@browneyegirl9 my fave sex is physically unprotected but emotionally armor clad.

@kikkiplanet once ya believe in an invisible dude and talking snakes, your brain takes the rest of reality as optional.

@nenshi @nenshi4mayor Be advised that Shaw has it spelled "Nenchi4Mayor" in case you can't find it on your Gateway PVR.

Gold man-sacks? Won't they be heavy and clang together when you walk?

@soloatheist religion is the measure of man with invisible rulers.

Bidet? Cool! (sits)

What's this button for? (Presses it)

AAAGH! STRANGER DANGER! I NEED AN ADULT!

@aaronhoff she had style! She had flair! She was there! That's how she became governor of Alaska that one week.

@mikecanrant Not crazy how you think, tho... 99.9% of the time the number is for an ex-boss or a hookup that gave 'em an STD.

@benrankel the pic's part of your Twitter brand! Like replacing the Gerber baby with Nicki Minaj, confusing.

1) Conductor directs musicians. 2) Musicians play instruments. 3) Orchestra plays you.

@thejamespope it's obviously manipulative. Isn't that enough to qualify it as a bad idea?

Todd & the Book of Pure Evil is super campy but great comedy! Musical episode where Chris Leavens outsings the kids with "Fuuuuck Yoooou"!

Yo mamma's so dirty, her camel toe has a foot fungus.

@pablogserski @guythe_guy all those deep fried Mars bars have innoculated the Scots from diabetes or tooth decay. What dinnae kill ye!

I ask for the key for the men's room.Hostess hands me a key attached to a ruler. Then she got all weird when I told her the measurement.

Little known philosophy fact: Ferdinand de Saussure burned to death in a signifire. He got signifried. The spot's marked with a little sign.

Story pitch: Danny DeVito as a fake psychic jailed for fraud. He finds his powers are real and escapes. Title:Small Medium At Large.