i can't believe i never realized that if you eat chocolate chips and then brush your teeth it tastes like mint chocolate chip ice cream

Dreamed that I was looking through the many varieties of Cool Whip at the store and there was a kind specifically for people in mourning

ALL NOODLES ARE GOOD AND DO NOT NEED TO BE JUDGED AND RATED BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL CARBS AND ALL GOOD

zyrtec label says "children under 6 years: ask a doctor" yeah like they have the resources to book an appointment come on

"i do weed"

i've been hearing a lot of rumors today that snow is tiny ghosts

Seriously, someday, someone is going to just crack, and hunt down the guy who voices the Spotify ads, and suffocate him

I got mail from @dads_secret yesterday! pic.twitter.com/hsMUbfT4lr

Petition to hire @dads_secret!!! Everyone's Favorite Divorced Sad Dad  http://www.buzzfeed.com/mikehayes/hippest-resume-you-have-ever-seen … via @buzzfeed

Here's my sign from #OccupyPeople. Pass it around if you want. Go Ryan! http://t.co/QI9IXlYf

"Bizarro Jerry" is the best captcha I have ever gotten and why can't they all be like that

Oh just @jonsteinberg showing up for a casual #AnimalShirtFriday! http://t.co/rHpLTypm

PLEASE DO NOT RATE NOODLES IN SUCH AN ABSURD WAY THAT IS COMPLETELY WRONG

Bloomberg comes in waving American flag and riding Pants the goat. Pants makes an eloquent speech

i've already seen downton abbey season 3, it's so funny that all these people don't know yet that the dowager countess is gossip girl ~hehe~

@drteens247 teen alert: say YES to elbows on the table it's a sign of #power dominate vulnerable #aDolts this holiday season

i hope hurricane sandy goes as hurricane irene for halloween

I love farts?

Is there a limit to how many women a cat can legally own?

@horse_ebooks make up your mind you're letting the flies in