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Everybody pause for 3 minutes, I'm going to make a bag of popcorn
Rest in peace little angels
I got 99 chores and I ain't did one - Lay-Z
Just remembered that more than half of my friends thought Anne Frank survived the Holocaust, so there's that
The people who tweet "happy hump day" are the ones who aren't getting laid
She doesn't reply to your first 3 texts? Keep trying, stud! If girls love anything, it's persistence
If you're a grown man still yelling at girls from your car, you need to re-evaluate your life
"Remember habbo hotel? Some guy told me he wanted to pee in my mouth so I left"
Trimming my own bangs went about as well as you think it would
Rest in fucking peace to the member of my shit hole family who ate my box of girl guide cookies
Damned if I do, damned if I don't
A few chunks of fruit in my jam, ok, fine, sure. A strawberry in its entirety? Get your shit together, Smuckers.
First time in Boston, but I've seen The Town like 50 times so I'm basically qualified to be a tour guide
local business owner, former siamese twin, hand model, writer & pathological liar
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