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Eating chick peas and lentils, pretending they're ice cream and ice cream.
I'll always remember November 24 as the day I got to use the word "Pimpmobile" in an obituary.
I'm a forgetful person, which is why I have three jars of cinnamon and no light bulbs
You judge me for saying like every other word and I judge you for never memorizing Clueless.
In heaven, I get to sing Lisa Loeb's "Stay" into a karaoke mic as many times as I want and everyone applaudes.
From Friday to Friday, I'm traveling to New York, performing at Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre, and turning 28. My Saturn Return approves.
I got a new job, y'all. I'm really excited with a dash of nervous and a smidge of scared. CHANGE, you know? Brings out all the feelings.
Sometimes I can't figure out if I was born with it or if it's Maybelline.
You guysssss, I just did stand up and I didn't dieeeeeeeee.
Kanye + Beverly Clearly = "Ramona & Yeezus".
You guys what if my lack of tattoos is keeping me from getting a job at Whole Foods omg someone ink me stat
Do they still pass out those Scholastic book order forms or did the Internet take that away too?
I once dressed as the Statue of Liberty because Patti Mayonnaise dressed as the Statue of Liberty.
Just spent a half hour figuring out which Target iPhone case best represents myself and my ideals and my life goals and now I'm exhausted.
I worry I'm not legit enough 2 quit, so I keep going.
Whenever life shrinks a dress, it's giving you a tunic.
Human beings are hopeful, optimistic creatures. That's why there are so many people with English degrees.
Writer, improviser, performer. Harmless garden salad. http://andreadisaster.com