Three of the Spice Girls are pregnant. Probably the work of a guy who wanted to be Sporty's lover, but had to get with her friends.

I guess my favorite fall/winter clothing accessory is rock hard nipples.

My grandma fell on the floor, but it was longer than 5 seconds so we're gonna have to let her go.

I don't know why you guys keep watching Glee when the central premise is so obvious: they're all dead and killing time in hell.

My 80 year-old condo neighbor just said, "Hope you're staying dry!" and I said, "Impossible around you" and winked.

For German bachelors, the party pooper IS the stripper.

If you think vampires are sexy, you're going to bust a nut over walruses!

Sometimes I like to let my hair down. But even more than that, I like to let my family down.

Every morning I google "murder" on my boyfriend's browser, just in case I disappear and the police need help.

Gonorrhea is a LOT more fun and sporty if you think of it as "athlete's vagina."

It's just amazing how "aloha" can mean hello or goodbye or you're an asshole who needs everyone to know you just got back from Hawaii.

You mean that crotch pocket they put inside bikini bottoms isn't for holding snacks?

Freak out a kid leaving Build-A-Bear by telling her she put the wrong soul in.

I don't know why the Justin Bieber movie had to be so long. It doesn't take me two hours to masturbate!

Must've been weird for Kim Kardashian to be the one peeing on something for a change.

Some nights you can find Scary standing outside the other Spice Girls' gates yelling, "FRIENDSHIP NEVER ENDS!"

Someone tell my boyfriend that Johnson's No More Tears isn't for rubbing into my eyes when he wants me to stop crying.

What I've learned from Dateline is that murderers need to learn to spread their Lowe's murder-supply purchases over more than one receipt.

Jury doody, n.- whenever someone leaves a b.m. in the toilet so big that 12 people have to come look at it.

If the Little Mermaid was blown away by the novelty of a fork, her head must have popped off when she saw the Prince's human genitalia.