I hate when someone calls me a "Son of a Bitch." Its like, have some respect, people. Just say "Your Mom is a Bitch." And leave me out of it

If you're half-Asian, I'm only taking off one shoe before I enter your house.

Saying the phrase "Man Cave" is a cool way to tell people that you lost your virginity to your wife.

Michael Vick's life is like a box of chocolates (kills dogs).

If you're having trouble sleeping at night, because you killed someone, then maybe you should exercise more.

Have I ever told you that I have beautiful eyes?

I can't even imagine how devastated I'd be if I spent DAYS digging a pool in my yard, only to find, of all people, a frozen Brendan Fraser

Even if all my friends died at the same time, I still wouldn't get a tattoo.

Womanizing astronauts must quietly chuckle at dinner parties when rappers brag that they have "hoes in different area codes."

Shout out to Asians who don't walk slow at malls.

The only way I'm listening to ur voicemail is if U text me with something like "PLEASE delete my VM before listening. I was on drugs SORRY!"

If you think Flash Mobs are cool, I want to take your parents out to dinner and hear your entire life story and see what the fuck happened.

"You lost me at hello." - ADD Jerry McGuire

I almost hit a car on the road today and saw my life flash before my eyes! But that's cuz I was lookin at my Facebook Timeline while driving

If you consistently have trouble spelling, you're not a "bad speller." You're an idiot.

They say "you are what you eat." I guess that's why I'm such an asshole.

I'm not really in the mood to party tonight. Thinking of making it a Blockbuster night (filing for Bankruptcy).

ADDERALL REALLY HELPS ME FOCUS ON FINDING MORE ADDERALL

My Grandpa is the Michael Jordan of Alzheimer's (he sticks his tongue out)

Even if Magic Johnson said something witty about his bedroom, like "This is where the MAGIC happens," I still wouldn't have sex with him.