To be fair, if I did turn up late to my own funeral it wouldn't be my fault.

If you want breakfast in bed then sleep in the kitchen.

Poor people live hand to mouth, Porn people live ass to mouth.

Everybody watch out! There is a crazed Sadomasochist on the loose! Don't lock up your Daughters....he'd fucking love that.

Originally I thought this Mirror was terrible, but on reflection it's not that bad.

A mate drinks a litre of brake fluid every day for 6 years, yet claims he's not addicted. Reckons he can stop any time he wants! #win100

Social Networking? More like Social Notworking!

Tweeting off Favstar. I'm confuddleded

I'm funnier than you, I just don't like showing it off in my tweets.

Well that's shit. Why can't I retweet my hilarious puns

Circus folk must find sex rather mundane

I just watched a 3 hour documentary about Komodo's. It was interesting at first but by the end it started to Drag on.

If teachers hate marking so much why do they keep setting homework?

Posh people think no-frills sex is making love on a bed without a Valance.

I got on so well with the teachers at school, at the end of term they gave me a 'Rapport Card'

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol...Police confirm it is Race related. #win100

Dignity is in the eye of the beholder

After a window smashed in the white wine factory they inadvertently sold Shardonnay for a week.

It's less divine intervention and more divine interruption.

I'm surprised @davidschneider got a Super Injunction, I thought a gagging order would have been more his kinda thing. #superinjunction