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I'm home because, well, I didn't go big, I guess.
Please don't DM telling me about your peen. Unless it shoots glitter and can pay my rent, I've basically already seen it.
I'd love to shrink a few people down, put them in a snow globe, and shake the shit out of it.
I just called to my cat using all of her nicknames and it only took me 45 minutes.
Kim Kardashian's perfume smells like new basketball and used vagina.
Febreze commercials have taught me that people are easy to kidnap.
You guys always talk about ex wives this and ex wives that. I'm an ex wife and I fucking rock. Now gimme half of that beer you're enjoying.
If I had to choose between being a vampire or a lycan, I would stfu because girls don't get laid off convos that start like that.
Have to sleep with my face two inches from the fan because it's so hot and so I'll sound robotic if I talk in my sleep.
I don't date outside of my class. So if you have $7.13 or less in your bank account, let's hook up.
I'm not pretentious, I just happen to be smarter and more cultured than you.
This club can't even handle me right now. Mostly because it's closed, and also because this is a college library.
Marilyn Monroe should have listened to her own inspirational quotes.
I accidentally wrecked myself because I didn't use caution to check myself first.
Why do I need to date when I wake up to three Words With Friends game requests every morning? I'm popular.
Just threw my cigarette at two spiders. They can share it or put it out. I don't give a fuck. I'm moving.
You guys might be having all the sex, but I hold the high score on Bejeweled.
"Did you even TRY to find a job today??" I ask my cats when I come home after work and they're in the same spot as when I left.
So when is Cat Week?
If you're a douchebag, then we've probably dated.
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