God forgot to give me some essential social skills.

I need a hug from the universe. How do we arrange this?

As it turns out, I am not above spending a quarter to get 5 stale peanut M&M's from a dusty candy machine.

Kindly fuck off.

Every day I'm haunted by the fact that no one finds me as hilarious as I find myself.

You know you're in a Canadian music class when 9 out of 10 students say "Sorry in advance if I mess up" before performing.

Ignorance is not bliss for those experiencing it second-hand.

Does the scale also add ten pounds??

"Motivated" is the term I use to describe when I'm in panic mode.

This morning my mother woke me up by reading aloud a poem she wrote about living in a zoo. That's the joke. My life is the joke.

I GET IT, FAVSTAR, the last time I was funny was two months ago I KNOW OKAY.

"Commit suicide" somehow made its way onto my overflowing to do list. Hm.

Cleaning up my facebook and considering some pretty controversial friend-removals. This is how I get a thrill these days.

Just wrote "get your shit together in a general way" in my agenda.

Apparently going to Walmart while wearing my Coles uniform means every person who walks by me will ask me where they can find something.

Doing a presentation on folk music tomorrow. I'm gonna start with "Hey FOLKS!" and then wink wildly & shoot finger-guns at the class.

Pretty ironic that I have to drive past the credit counseling center to get to the mall.

That's the first time I've used a semicolon in a tweet and I'm feeling pretty fancy about it.

My general plan for the day is to wear three sweaters and all my scarves and lie down and not move.

I was starting to worry I'm not socially awkward enough but thank god we nipped that theory in the bud!!!