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This one time, this guy liked me so much he put his penis in my vagina. Dead serious.
O baby. You know what Im gonna do? Im gonna lay there like a starfish & grunt until you cum then Im gonna get needy & clingy. You like that?
I took a bunch of Vicodin but my feelings still hurt.
When a girl last night told me that she wanted to be a substance abuse counselor, I gave up on any future conversations with her.
I feel like toddlers being cute is a survival technique...
Never thought I'd say this, but I miss ball sweat. I'm tired of tasting peanut butter and dog every single time I give my boyfriend a beej.
Coworker: "You're slimming down!" Me: "Thanks. It's all the vomiting from my binge drinking. I just feel better, you know?"
So wonderful that you almost have 2000 followers, jerk... I'm 6 away from an impressive 100.
I carry a single-stitched fake Coach purse... What the fuck do I care about Louis Vuitton condoms?
I'm going to motorboat my boyfriend's balls and see if it's equally as enjoyable.
Found out coworkers are gossiping about me but I'm not bothered because what goes on in my real life is so much worse than whats being said.
I'm a strong, well-educated, passionate, beautiful, independent woman... and I made a man a sandwich last night.
Technology amazes me. How does Pandora radio know I'm a closet stripper?
"Gorgonzola and portobello stuffed tortelloni in a rich cream sauce" Just copied that off a Lean Cuisine. Sorry FB douches I'm not fooled.
Grad school is the stupidest thing I ever signed up for... and that's including my brief stint with the Mormons and my failed marriage.
Wait - I have to make up an alterego? No wonder you're all so much funnier than me. I've been bitching about my real life this whole time.
That's it. I'm not even going to think about you while I masturbate anymore.
My 2yo son must be pissed that I laugh in his face every time he says anything. Sorry, kid, but those cheeks are so fat and you talk funny.
Dear 8th grade thug, I noticed you're drinking a mondo. Street cred revoked. There's no gangster way to enjoy a bev you have to squeeze.
Manager of the band Yarf Yarfson and the Half-Blacks