Chimaira’s This Present Darkness goes well with small children asking for candy.

Hey folks, both @theinnmpls and @stripclubstp are on Twitter now.

Netflix suggestions really force you to take a hard look at the person you’ve become.

Half asleep this morning I renamed my bike Banana Muffin then realized it’s a better nickname for my hoo-ha so back to square one I guess.

Happy New Year, jerks.  http://twitpic.com/breoyf 

Reply from @afterglide in 3…2… RT @mfloyd21: Kelly was just eating a cereal called Corn Shooters. #90210

Bread is merely an extra in this one act play starring Nutella.

Can't come to a compromise on my budget so I'm shutting down. Let my creditors know.

Today’s commute: 17 miles of Ryan Gosling’s abs covered in corn chowder. You’re welcome. #apvember

My commute this morning is like driving over 17 miles of Ryan Gosling’s abs.

@_taylor_  http://twitpic.com/cbkeuv 

Just became the mayor of the laundromat. Suck on that, everyone who thought I’d amount to nothing.

Dog caps off the night by eating a tennis ball. Her next shit will bounce, I guess.

Saw adorable bikini top. Bought adorable bikini top. Today the scar shame goes into the #fuckitbucket

Awake, caffeinated, ready. Final round of chemo, you guys. Healing Stage 3 begins. #fuckcancer

The sex scene with Geena Davis and Jeff Goldblum just got me pregnant.

Cheerios with chocolate milk because I am a 9 year old child. At 3:30 because I am a 22 year old bachelor.

Journal entry 4.10.13: Wake up, look out window, become dead inside.

High on Fire is going to punch you until you die.

If things ever feel too bleak, I'll just remember these kind words from my friend @mfloyd21. "Please don't smother yourself."