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Today, getting dressed, my pants laughed hysterically and said, "It's not me, it's you."
Single chicks handle shit themselves. And by shit, I mean yard work, flat tires, and "themselves."
Bumper sticker wisdom: Don't worry what people think, they don't do it very often.
My milkshake brought all the boys to the yard. Now they're unemployed fatasses in broken lawn chairs sitting outside the fence.
Me, the other other white meat.
It rubs the coffee on it's skin
It's beginning to look a lot like FUCKING SHOOT ME IN THE FACE.
Your "love" tweets are killin' me dude. Spank it and STFU already!
I was thinking about you today... Just kidding!
I should really have some holiday spirit. Anyone know what time the liquor store closes?
So many deserving asses, yet I have only two feet.
Shoutout to the people who do shoutouts
I was about to give a fuck, walked into a different room... Totally forgot.
Oh, for fuck's sake- "feed me, wash my clothes, help me with my homework..." As if giving them life wasn't enough.
Evil bitch costume? Check. Wait! Did I wash this from wearing it from my whole life up until today? Damn, where's the Febreeze?
Damnit! I spent an unconscious half an hour pushing all the buttons inside the spaceship, trying to shut off the alarm.
The "what-ifs" have me kicking myself right now... Thinking I could be watching a couple of my exs wash these damn dishes.
Turns out drinking 2 cups of coffee before going to bed, will not assist a person in getting up earlier. (Or even on time)
Never. Never ever serve as your own attorney. Ever. Period.
Dear Ben-Gay slatherer, why have you chosen to stand so near to me?
A hard-working Mama of 3 super kids that are my world! I may offend you at some point. Sailor mouth & a twisted sense of humor- I promise not to cry if you go.