This recliner and I go way back.

One man's porn is another man's...well, porn, really. It's pretty much all porn for us. Nice sweater.

I don't get all the outrage. If a mosque and another mosque want to get married I say go for it.

Oh good, a Monday morning email from an ex-girlfriend asking for computer help. Try CTRL-ALT-GET-FUCKED.

Actor Chris Klein checks into rehab, fan devastated.

I just flew in from the used joke store and boy are your moms tired.

Horribly is my favorite kind of gone wrong.

If a double dip recession is so bad why did they make it sound so delicious?

Scientists in Sweden have discovered a substance in breast milk that kills cancer cells. Finally, something to like about breasts.

If my sex life had a spirit animal it would be a cricket. Riding a tumbleweed.

Sign in the office: "I'm not 50! I'm 18 with 32 years of experience!"

Yes, and I'm not single, I'm a pornstar with no movies.

It took a 30-member surgical team 22 hours to perform the world's first full face transplant. Amazing. I usually just use beer.

Well that settles it, I should have been a FIFA referee. After all I've been ignoring my goals for years.

I'm sorry for all the dick jokes, it's just that when I talk about my penis it's always at great length.

I love the slow-mo replays of the players falling down in agony.

It's like watching me dating.

A new study suggests that couples who refer to themselves as 'we' not only enjoy better and longer relationships, they also have no friends.

It takes the Village People to raise a fabulous child.

Well this girl doesn't seem like an amateur at all. I think there's been some sort of internet mistake.

Treat people the way you would like to be treated.

Wise words, but frankly I don't have time to blow everyone I meet. This isn't college.

FACT: Rick Astley does not observe Lent.