Not everyone can be bi-polar... some of you just have to accept that you're simply assholes.

You would lose against me in a game of Scrabble as I have a degree in English & you have a degree in the science of being a stupidfuckhole.

I don't need a football game to get drunk and scream at my television.

I need someone to bring me flowers and come lick my vagina - I'm having the worst day.

Did power yoga this morning... threw up in downward-facing dog and rolled over into the corpse pose and died.

Yes, I like to make up words and say fuck you when you judge me for it. You big fartsycraphead.

Something about Ann Coulter just screams 2 inch penis to me.

Dirty little secret. Sometimes I fake being on my period so I don't have to fuck you.

They're called fuck me heels because your poor feet say "fuck me" after wearing them all day.

Please don't let my boobs get in the way of you having a good day.... gigantic and obnoxious as they are.

Words just can't describe my feelings for him, so I will be doing an interpretive dance with my vagina.

If your Facebook profile picture is always of your child or your pet, you got fat after high school, didn't you?

Smile! Just because you're old and ugly doesn't mean you have to be an asshole too.

I'm having a hard time fucking you and thinking about the fed ex guy at the same time.

Hey, I'm pretty generous with these stars assholes.

If you have a wonderful husband, who loves you, takes care of you, and is amazing at everything, then please shut the fuck up about it.

Well, hello there Trouble with a capital Penis.

Next time you pee on the seat I'm rubbing your face in it. Hey, it's how I trained the dog.

Oh, I'm sorry... where are my manners? Good morning Shithead.

Cat is giving me the evil eye while I pee. Don't know what her problem is, I always scratch it into a clump before jumping out of the box.