This bourbon and cookie diet I invented is going to make me so rich.

And fat.

And drunk.

Or, you know...at least two of those.

When playing "Got your nose," make sure the victim is willing to play. Also, that you're not at a urinal. Also, that it's their nose.

Nothing says "I'm a terrible parent" like forgetting to clean your kid's cage.

Such a ripoff. Not only am I completely sober, but this tape doesn't taste ANYTHING like scotch.

Actually, officer, I prefer to think that scotch smells like me.

My resolution is to spend more quality time with my familDAMMIT, WOMAN, I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE! I'M TRYING TO BE REFLECTIVE HERE!

Sweet, creamy Jesus on a stick, why can't ...why...I.......sorry, I had something there, but that just sounds DELICIOUS.

When approaching your wife romantically it's best to avoid the phrase, "It's halftime. You wanna?"

Some tweets are home runs. Mine are foul bunts to the umpire's cup.

Human Resources is neither 'human' nor 'resourceful'. Discuss.

Whiskey: Official Beverage of the FML.

I've never hit a man before, but I have punched a bear. Okay, a bear cub. Fine, a teddy bear. WHATEVER MR. FLUFFYMUFFIN HAD IT COMING!

ProTip: Ladies, when selling your husband on the idea of $900 boots, try mentioning how well they'll go with his ears.

Saying you know your request was short notice does not give me more time or make you less of a dick.

My wife has asked Twitter for parenting advice, and now the Tooth Fairy brought our kid a bacon and vodka flavored blowjob.

So, apparently, I have my first tweet on the "Rising" board. QQ: If it continues rising for more than four hours, should I call a doctor?

The Walmart Jewelry Counter: When you're too lazy to say "I don't love you anymore."

Lil' Coot made her own snack. A tortilla with nothing but ketchup and mustard. A 5yo girl's a better bachelor than I was.

I hate hearing you say those terrible things about yourself. Please. Let me say them. My delivery's better.

All I do anymore is look around for things to tweet. Which is why I'm drinking in the bathroom of this bacon plant.