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@angryoldcoot
Angry Old Coot
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Just a shotgun and a rocking chair between me and the hoosgow.
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This bourbon and cookie diet I invented is going to make me so rich.
And fat.
And drunk.
Or, you know...at least two of those.
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When playing "Got your nose," make sure the victim is willing to play. Also, that you're not at a urinal. Also, that it's their nose.
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Nothing says "I'm a terrible parent" like forgetting to clean your kid's cage.
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Such a ripoff. Not only am I completely sober, but this tape doesn't taste ANYTHING like scotch.
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Actually, officer, I prefer to think that scotch smells like me.
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My resolution is to spend more quality time with my familDAMMIT, WOMAN, I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE! I'M TRYING TO BE REFLECTIVE HERE!
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Sweet, creamy Jesus on a stick, why can't ...why...I.......sorry, I had something there, but that just sounds DELICIOUS.
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When approaching your wife romantically it's best to avoid the phrase, "It's halftime. You wanna?"
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Some tweets are home runs. Mine are foul bunts to the umpire's cup.
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Human Resources is neither 'human' nor 'resourceful'. Discuss.
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Whiskey: Official Beverage of the FML.
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I've never hit a man before, but I have punched a bear. Okay, a bear cub. Fine, a teddy bear. WHATEVER MR. FLUFFYMUFFIN HAD IT COMING!
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ProTip: Ladies, when selling your husband on the idea of $900 boots, try mentioning how well they'll go with his ears.
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Saying you know your request was short notice does not give me more time or make you less of a dick.
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My wife has asked Twitter for parenting advice, and now the Tooth Fairy brought our kid a bacon and vodka flavored blowjob.
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So, apparently, I have my first tweet on the "Rising" board. QQ: If it continues rising for more than four hours, should I call a doctor?
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The Walmart Jewelry Counter: When you're too lazy to say "I don't love you anymore."
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Lil' Coot made her own snack. A tortilla with nothing but ketchup and mustard. A 5yo girl's a better bachelor than I was.
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I hate hearing you say those terrible things about yourself. Please. Let me say them. My delivery's better.
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All I do anymore is look around for things to tweet. Which is why I'm drinking in the bathroom of this bacon plant.
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