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@angryoldcoot's (Angry Old Coot) most faved Tweets...
angryoldcoot
This bourbon and cookie diet I invented is going to make me so rich.

And fat.

And drunk.

Or, you know...at least two of those.
@angryoldcoot
angryoldcoot
When playing "Got your nose," make sure the victim is willing to play. Also, that you're not at a urinal. Also, that it's their nose.
@angryoldcoot
angryoldcoot
Such a ripoff. Not only am I completely sober, but this tape doesn't taste ANYTHING like scotch.
@angryoldcoot
angryoldcoot
Nothing says "I'm a terrible parent" like forgetting to clean your kid's cage.
@angryoldcoot
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angryoldcoot
My resolution is to spend more quality time with my familDAMMIT, WOMAN, I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE! I'M TRYING TO BE REFLECTIVE HERE!
@angryoldcoot
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angryoldcoot
Actually, officer, I prefer to think that scotch smells like me.
@angryoldcoot
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angryoldcoot
Sweet, creamy Jesus on a stick, why can't ...why...I.......sorry, I had something there, but that just sounds DELICIOUS.
@angryoldcoot
angryoldcoot
Some tweets are home runs. Mine are foul bunts to the umpire's cup.
@angryoldcoot
angryoldcoot
Whiskey: Official Beverage of the FML.
@angryoldcoot
angryoldcoot
When approaching your wife romantically it's best to avoid the phrase, "It's halftime. You wanna?"
@angryoldcoot
angryoldcoot
Human Resources is neither 'human' nor 'resourceful'. Discuss.
@angryoldcoot
angryoldcoot
ProTip: Ladies, when selling your husband on the idea of $900 boots, try mentioning how well they'll go with his ears.
@angryoldcoot
angryoldcoot
Saying you know your request was short notice does not give me more time or make you less of a dick.
@angryoldcoot
angryoldcoot
So, apparently, I have my first tweet on the "Rising" board. QQ: If it continues rising for more than four hours, should I call a doctor?
@angryoldcoot
angryoldcoot
The Walmart Jewelry Counter: When you're too lazy to say "I don't love you anymore."
@angryoldcoot
angryoldcoot
Lil' Coot made her own snack. A tortilla with nothing but ketchup and mustard. A 5yo girl's a better bachelor than I was.
@angryoldcoot
angryoldcoot
You assemble a TV stand with a 5 yo. The ratio of damage to help will be:

A) 5:1

B) 10:1

C) OH MY GOD WILL YOU STOP TOUCHING THAT!!!
@angryoldcoot
angryoldcoot
All I do anymore is look around for things to tweet. Which is why I'm drinking in the bathroom of this bacon plant.
@angryoldcoot
angryoldcoot
God, I love doing laundry!

Wait, "doing" means "washing"?

Dammit.

I bet I got "stain stick" wrong, too.
@angryoldcoot
angryoldcoot
I hate hearing you say those terrible things about yourself. Please. Let me say them. My delivery's better.
@angryoldcoot
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