All the fucks I don't give come back in a rush whenever a cop pulls behind me while driving.

Bought a blender today for breakfast smoothies, since it's afternoon though I think I'm going to test it out with some margaritas.

The headlines in the news keeps mentioning "Super Tuesday". Well I haven't seen any superheroes yet and I'm pissed you lying assholes.

If you are a female and you can drive a stick, I adore the fuck out of you.

You know it's a good day when you say, "hey let's get drunk again!"

Yeah I'm watching Lion King right now. And I'm fucking pumped

Judging karaoke tonight. I'm still bitter over the death of my xbox so I think the inner dick is going to shine tonight

I wonder how many times Darth Vader force choked his partner while fucking them.

Everytime someone is willing to offer me a 2 for 1 deal, I'm always skeptical. Unless it's involving alcohol.

The amount of fucks I give during this meeting is equal to the amount of times I've been laid in the past month. Both are pathetic.

Life lesson #32 - Don't talk to exs when you are blacked-out. You never know what you said and it always leads to awkward phone calls later.

My balls have been getting more play in the shower ever since I started using that cooling action body wash. Rinse, lather, and repeat

Living Life on the crazy side today. Smoothies, movies, and naps.

My phone's battery doesn't last worth shit. Probably because I've been on it all day. And that's why I travel everywhere with a charger.

Whenever the internet starts to fuck up on me, I just start to make the dial-up connection noise to remind me it could be worse.

At lunch today, my sister said that she thinks I have hypothyroidism since I've put on a few pounds. I agree, it can't be from the alcohol.

Today has been such a lazy day. Only way it could be better was if it was spent fucking.

Before I commit twittercide, I'm going to get in a subtweet fight with my other account. Just like it happens in my head.

Let's get drunk and forget everything.

My Grandma is a hypochondriac. Little does she know that it's not her health that'll kill her. Grandpa has already tried twice.