Ever heard a cat speak pig Latin? Mine say "Ow-me." It works. I have no idea what they are saying.

You know you live in a redneck state when the governor bans roadside sale of pythons.

Looters? We need another word for people who pull canned goods, soap and wash basins from ruins.

When did I start calling a "hottie" a "nice young man?"

Forget carbon offsets. Al Gore needs to pony up calorie offsets.

You'll be happy to know no faces were bitten off in FL yesterday, although someone did bite off a kitten's lips..

Do you realize Romney has a son named Tagg? It's as if he and Sarah Palin got together and named his child.

My car loan has been underwater almost since the day I bought it. Maybe we should offer trade-ins on homes as we do autos. You're welcome.

Some sadistic masochist a few houses down has been hammering for the last half hour. I don't like his chances.

Climate experts think about growing dense fields of weeds to soak up carbon dioxide. Tried using that on my HOA. May they choke on fumes.

Know why I'm gonna lose weight? Cause I'm too big to fail.

Do you ever put French bread and flowers in your grocery right off and look all cosmopolitan, then put them back before checking out?

I un-followed Fart Robot and my Twitter smells better already.

I think I am almost getting the hang of an umbrella. Can operating a wheelbarrow be far behind?

Did the first chinchilla spotted by man get his name on a cold, teeth chattering day when that was the only word that came out?

Obsfuscation - word of the day. Look for it as politicians weave around the obvious, take you off on a side road, run out of gas . . .

Why the complaints about the awards show? OK the Best in Show hound looked like a coyote, but...wait! What were you watching?

OK Kitties, it's time to occupy the Christmas tree.

Spellcheck wants me to say "buttonholes" instead of "buttholes." What are they, my mother?

I thought only old men forgot to zip up. I stand corrected. It's much more embarrassing to sit.