Every time a young girl vomits, a Victoria’s Secret angel gets its wings.

Girls who say "I hate drama" can usually be found drunk and crying on a public toilet.

Mike Tyson has become a vegan. He's the most socially conscious rapist ever.

Trojan introduces new "Fire & Ice" condoms. Now the rest of us can finally feel what it's like to have an STD.

I wonder if people in 3rd world countries know we get to choose between crushed and cubed ice.

Ryan is a humanitarian as long as you don't consider women humans. #vpdebate

Romney must be having the worst rich kid fit backstage

Jenna Jameson endorses Mitt Romney because she wants her country to be fucked as hard as she's been.

I wonder if Republican politicians feel the same about abortion when one of their hookers gets pregnant.

George W. Bush is gonna FREAK when he finds out what a library is.

Study shows women are less likely to keep their cars clean. Yeah, because we don't need a clean car to get laid.

Some airlines banning babies from first class! This is great because I hate when babies give me those smug looks as I walk through to coach.

If Tupac can perform at Coachella, I expect some really big things from Jesus next Easter.

Nothing is more terrifying than another human being walking toward you with a smile and a clipboard.

Obama’s lunch with Romney must totally feel like a pity fuck.

Honey Boo Boo’s mom claims to be terrified of mayonnaise which is really weird because who’s afraid of their own blood type?

Fox News mistakenly reports Zooey Deschanel is Suspect 2. And with that, CNN passes back the torch.

I want to do a traditional Thanksgiving but no one in my family wants to rape and pillage with me.

The royal fetus already makes more money than you.

Any minute now Paul Ryan is gonna jump onstage start doing dishes. #debate