Beyonce’s fetus already makes more money than you do.

Old McDonald had a farm and it grew delicious, non-biodegradable french fries.

O.J. Simpson on trial again feels like a reunion show but where everybody got fat.

Does this Daft Punk helmet make me look fat?

Only Angelina Jolie could have a double mastectomy and still make the rest of us feel inadequate.

Whenever I see a guy with a soul patch I always wonder which online college he went to.

When kids have tantrums you have to teach them to use their emojis.

Apparently bringing a urinal cake to a pot luck is a no no.

If you have to say "all lower case" when giving out your email address, maybe emailing isn't for you.

That Aflac duck is basically the Rain Man of ducks.

Three women are rescued after being held captive for 10 years. Can’t imagine the horror when they find out ‘Big Brother’ is still on the air

You’re not really a man unless you carry everything out of the car in one trip.

When picking a job, make sure it’s the right one you’ll dread going to everyday.

When choosing a college, make sure you can picture yourself hungover and peeing on stick there.

Brought a light saber to the kentucky derby and I think I'm doing this wrong.

Van Gogh’s portraits of himself were the original selfies.

Just waiting for Donald Trump to call himself the Greatest Gatsby.

My insurance plan doesn't cover retail therapy. :(

Maybe Tim Tebow should pick up quidditch.

Sunday Funday more like Sunday-I’m-too-nervous-about-Monday.