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Be a writer, kids! Have unfinished homework until you die!
I'm an Austen in the streets, a Brontë in the sheets. (JK, like most lovers of 19th century lit I don't leave the house or have sex)
FYI people writing articles on Millennials- We all knew trophies we got just for showing up were bullshit. We weren't the ones buying them.
I spilled microwave burrito filling on my dress and let my dog lick it off. 30/F/Los Angeles. DTF.
You haven't truly hit rock bottom until you've said to yourself "maybe *I* should do a podcast."
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40yrs and still can't conjugate verbs.
"Maybe I should wear lipstick" - me to myself, upon seeing my dog's gross pink erection this morning.
Need help shoving my kid back into the safety of my uterus.
Life is temporary. Try to spend as much of it as you can on the internet talking to people you'd avoid eye contact with in public.
Uh oh, I read internet comments on a news story and now I have to push a Q-tip into my belly button until I have an aneurysm :(
Flaunting your post-baby body? Big whoop. News alert: everyone's body used to be a baby.
Recently bought The Hunger Games and an Adele CD. What've you guys been up to? I want to know what I'll be into in two years.
Deactivating your Facebook is the new "I don't even HAVE a TV."
I think we can all agree that the worst things on earth are slavery, rape as a weapon of war, children who starve to death, and parades.
It's not a "gay" wedding or a "straight wedding" it's a "waste of money they could have used for a down payment."
My husband asked what Vine was while reading a BOOK. Hahaha 1910 called, it wants its intellect strengthening form of entertainment back!
You know everything about our lazy, shitty generation you need to know when you see someone wish their friend "HBD" on their Facebook wall.
Whenever I contemplate suicide, I remember there's a chance that someday Suri Cruise will write a tell-all book and then I choose life.
For a sec I thought it said a baby cured HIV & I was really disgusted with my baby who's like, "duhhhh, I'm taking my first steps duhhhh."
Hey kids, instead of giving your mom breakfast in bed on Mother's Day try: letting her fucking sleep, you sunshine-activated hellmonsters.
I write movies and television shows, but I have good qualities too.