Be a writer, kids! Have unfinished homework until you die!

I'm an Austen in the streets, a Brontë in the sheets. (JK, like most lovers of 19th century lit I don't leave the house or have sex)

I spilled microwave burrito filling on my dress and let my dog lick it off. 30/F/Los Angeles. DTF.

You haven't truly hit rock bottom until you've said to yourself "maybe *I* should do a podcast."

"Maybe I should wear lipstick" - me to myself, upon seeing my dog's gross pink erection this morning.

Need help shoving my kid back into the safety of my uterus.

Uh oh, I read internet comments on a news story and now I have to push a Q-tip into my belly button until I have an aneurysm :(

You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40yrs and still can't conjugate verbs.

Recently bought The Hunger Games and an Adele CD. What've you guys been up to? I want to know what I'll be into in two years.

Deactivating your Facebook is the new "I don't even HAVE a TV."

I think we can all agree that the worst things on earth are slavery, rape as a weapon of war, children who starve to death, and parades.

My husband asked what Vine was while reading a BOOK. Hahaha 1910 called, it wants its intellect strengthening form of entertainment back!

You know everything about our lazy, shitty generation you need to know when you see someone wish their friend "HBD" on their Facebook wall.

Whenever I contemplate suicide, I remember there's a chance that someday Suri Cruise will write a tell-all book and then I choose life.

For a sec I thought it said a baby cured HIV & I was really disgusted with my baby who's like, "duhhhh, I'm taking my first steps duhhhh."

Wait, why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn't even work.

Sloppy journalism breeds fear. Don't help spread it.

Once you look past the pay disparity, high rates of oppression and rape, and burden of childbirth, you can just have FUN with being a woman.

Say "What do you want to eat? I don't know, what do you want to eat?" out loud one thousand times. Congrats, you're married.

Marrieds, stop giving singles advice just because they're making a lot of mistakes and you only made one big one.