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I'm pretty sure that if a burglar broke into my apartment, he'd take a look around, sigh, use the bathroom and leave.
I don't buy Angel Soft toilet paper because I believe in the separation of Church and Butt
The "Save the Boobies" campaign was originally called "Hey dying lady, where you goin' with them tiiiiits?"
Guy on the street: "You should smile!" Me: "IS SMILE WHERE EYES MAKE SALTY WET WET, I DO THIS MANY."
I bought "Reduced Guilt Crackers" at Trader Joe's so I can stay healthy while moving on from that fatal accident I caused as a child
My burlesque name is Wifi Hotspot
Going vegan after the holidays is a great way to shed excess friends
I'm on this great diet where you can eat whatever you want as long as you feel bad about it
"I think maybe I'll train for a triathlon," she said while eating ramen for breakfast
For non-Jews: "Mazel tov" = "We ride at dawn, leave no home unburned"
I don't wear high heels. I also don't shove giant shards of glass up my butthole. Personal choice.
"I should get an IUD just in case Romney wins." #sadthoughtsihadtoday
Coworker is covering up his cigarette smell with baby wipes. It smells like a recently-divorced 6 month old works here.
A cute guy called me a faggot. I'm gonna file that under "Things That Don't Happen To Taylor Swift"
To the white lady who keeps calling it Chinko de Mayo: We salute you.
Snow on Halloween is God's way of saying "Cover up, sluts."
Starting a show called Fishcat where I beg people to date me and they pretend I'm not real
My favorite part of a wedding is where the husband pulls off the bride's underwear and throws it at her family