I'm pretty sure that if a burglar broke into my apartment, he'd take a look around, sigh, use the bathroom and leave.

I don't buy Angel Soft toilet paper because I believe in the separation of Church and Butt

The "Save the Boobies" campaign was originally called "Hey dying lady, where you goin' with them tiiiiits?"

Guy on the street: "You should smile!" Me: "IS SMILE WHERE EYES MAKE SALTY WET WET, I DO THIS MANY."

I bought "Reduced Guilt Crackers" at Trader Joe's so I can stay healthy while moving on from that fatal accident I caused as a child

My burlesque name is Wifi Hotspot

Going vegan after the holidays is a great way to shed excess friends

Let's be mad at Obama for getting two made-up universes confused instead of getting mad at John Boehner for living in one. #sequestration

I'm on this great diet where you can eat whatever you want as long as you feel bad about it

"I think maybe I'll train for a triathlon," she said while eating ramen for breakfast

For non-Jews: "Mazel tov" = "We ride at dawn, leave no home unburned"

I don't wear high heels. I also don't shove giant shards of glass up my butthole. Personal choice.

"I should get an IUD just in case Romney wins." #sadthoughtsihadtoday

Coworker is covering up his cigarette smell with baby wipes. It smells like a recently-divorced 6 month old works here.

A cute guy called me a faggot. I'm gonna file that under "Things That Don't Happen To Taylor Swift"

To the white lady who keeps calling it Chinko de Mayo: We salute you.

Snow on Halloween is God's way of saying "Cover up, sluts."

Jack Nicholsen "WHO CHANGED MY CHANNEL, I WAS WATCHING FAMILY GUY" #oscars

Starting a show called Fishcat where I beg people to date me and they pretend I'm not real

My favorite part of a wedding is where the husband pulls off the bride's underwear and throws it at her family