If my husband doesn't stop telling our real life friends and family members that we're on twitter I'm going to kick him in his nuts.

People who think dimples are cute would LOVE me because my ass has like a thousand of them.

Guess who lost 25 pounds! The girl at work did. What a bitch.

Fact: Men who hit women have little dicks.

Just read that giving oral sex burns100 calories per half-hour. Guess we know how I'm spending my weekend. Small jeans, here I come!

Want to be financially successful? Don't have kids.

Remember when your teachers used to tell you there are no dumb questions? Those teachers never met my 7 year old.

My goal is to have sex again at some point in my life.

I'm not sure how y'all's day is going but my 4yo just announced to everyone in this restaurant that I'm wearing zebra print panties.

I always touch myself erotically when I go into a public bathroom just in case some perv has hidden a video camera in there & is watching.

My kids are supposed to be playing but by the sounds of it, I think they are performing an exorcism.

Nothing like being lulled to sleep by the soothing sound of my cat licking/sucking her asshole.

Hey, guys, if you're interested, I'm married so I won't be all clingy and shit after we fuck.

I can open my mouth really wide. You know what that means, right? I can fit a LOT of ice cream in there.

Me: Do I embarrass you? Hubs: Only when you talk.

Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That's the cheapest birth control you will ever have.

I've only used a flashlight to look at my husband's asshole one time.

If I'm wearing a skirt & you point out that I need to shave my legs, then I know you're checking me out. Pervert. (Call me.)

I giggle when my tampon string tickles my booty.

Had to tell a coworker to stop being such a child so I could get back to eating my Lunchable.