'I don't have any pictures of my cat on my iPhone.' - No cat owner, ever.

You know that thing where you try to finish all the weird partially-full liquor while packing so you won't have to move it? Well I'm drunk.

Currently in the process of 'getting my hopes up'.

'I'm looking to get some grass stains on these pink jorts if you know what I mean.' - @alicewg

I need to learn to speak moth so eagles will save me.

No one has ever checked out this library book. UNTIL TODAY. @ Boulder Public Library http://t.co/q28f6oUP

"Eatin' salad from a bag, washin' sports bras in the tub." - lyrics from a rap about my sexy single girl LYFE.

Update: SOLD! My weird Craigslist A/B car ad testing project paid off. Details here:  http://coolpeopleparty.biz 

Project: I'm selling a car. I wrote a series of ads targeting absurd potential buyers, and posted them on craigslist.  http://coolpeopleparty.biz 

Foolproof character test: check to see if a person has any huge mugs. If they don't, they probably eat soup OUT OF A BOWL. SITTING DOWN.

Today I told Sean Penn that I 'like meat'.

"Hey boys come to the bar, there are a ton of cookies over there!" - what I think @angilly said because I love cookies.

30 is the new 20, which means I'm basically barely legal. - a thing I said

@blobtower A gift!!! You're going to leave a gift at my door!!! You're just as lovely as they say, Justin :) Thank you for the inspiration!

Slap a sensitive-boy haircut on any douche and @nkqualtieri and I will fall in love with him after 6 drinks. #MagicMike

Drink every time you see a silhouette of wang. #drunk #MagicMike

I'll sleep when I'm 30. Delicious, restful old person sleep. In the meantime, #party.

Thank god there are so many photos on the internet of Justin Vernon with a cat.

Packing. http://t.co/UQzkUa45

Off to the mountains to shoot weapons, cook on a fire and sleep under the stars, and to celebrate my birthday with squirrels. Sawyer out!