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When I see a mom with a swarm of feral kids out shopping, I want to push her down to see if the kids will devour her
Everyone has a soulmate out there, but if yours is a polar bear, you probably shouldn't pursue that relationship right away.
It's kind of nice when people quote the Bible to me because it lets me know I don't have to waste anymore time getting to know them.
As I'm bagging our groceries, I realize we've just bought all the ingredients we need to make diabetes :(
I just realized homeless guys don't have an extra sock to masturbate into :(
My husband just said, "I'm so glad you've never stabbed me." I really appreciate that he's noticed my efforts to keep the romance alive.
Is it true that J Lo is divorcing Steve Buscemi?
If I were in charge of designing the new iPad it would have a bunch of rubber bands & glue in it because I don't know how to build iPads.
Sometimes, I can tell when my husband says "I love you" to me, he's really just reinforcing to himself that he's not allowed to kill me.
The worst thing about finding out that our friends are swingers is the swift realization that they didn't find us attractive. At all :(
Husband says I found beard hair, but I still picture him starting his day by gently bathing his balls in the sink, softly singing a lullaby.
I don't know why hitchhikers bother with signs. They all mean, "Murder murder, I'm going to murder you in murder-town. I smell of cheese."
I saw 3 black gentlemen on the sidewalk in Mesa tonight. That was a gang, wasn't it? Probably Crips or something.
As I murdered that centipede I swear it shook it's fist at me. My husband said it was an old man, not a centipede, but I know what I saw.
If I had a penis, I'm sure I'd have already gotten it caught in a toaster or stuck behind a fridge by now.
My obituary will most likely contain the phrases, "Argued often with her cats" and "Asphyxiation due to a battle with her own hiccups."
Neighbor hasn't parked in my spot for days. Must've heard me say I'd stab her in the face that one time I stood right behind her & said it.
I bet Bruce Buffer plays back all of his UFC announcements and furiously masturbates to the sound of his own voice.
Uhg! These assholes at the table next to us have a seriously ugly newborn baby they're passing around. Hello, we're trying to eat over here.
The lady who invented edible underwear had wildly different genitals than I have. It's probably good that she took steps to feed it.
One time, I wrestled an alligator so hard I broke his arm. People say I lie about stuff.