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Hey, Valero station on Ray & McClintock, your window wash water smells like a possum died in it. Attend to that shit.
Sometimes, as a sign of respect, I give spiders the Liam Neeson speech from Taken before I destroy them.
This man keeps insisting I drink a bottle of water. Joke's on you, dude, I spent the past year building a resistance to horse tranquilizer.
I hope my life never depends on my ability to keep a secret because that would mean there's a murderer after me who hates secrets.
As speaking of herself in third person is discouraged, once again, at work, she realizes pro wrestling would've been a better career choice.
I Googled "fat girls in shorts" to see how I stack up & that turned into me seeing a lot of men who look better in a dress than I do.
Trying to gather the courage to go to IKEA. This is probably what it feels like when you realize you have to saw your foot off to escape.
It's like birds don't even care that they don't have sphincter control. Hey birds, I do; I'm controlling mine right now! Suck it, losers!
It's kind of nice when people quote the Bible to me because it lets me know I don't have to waste anymore time getting to know them.
These high school kids do a great job of reminding me why I don't like watching plays or yielding for pedestrians.
You know, the moment the phrase "turd cutter" was coined, anal sex should've been canceled.
Not really sure what "NSFW" or "hostile work environment" or "mandatory sensitivity training" mean. I hope it's code for "You're promoted!"
Until you can prove that face slapping isn't a viable treatment to cure bug phobias, I'll keep doing the Lord's work in my own way, sir.
I've never had carolers come close enough for me to catch one. What kind of bait am I supposed to be using?
The bone chilling terror felt when you hear "Hey Butthorn," & look into the rafters to see Gary Busey watching you.
The Frito-Lay guy's dainty perch on the floor sharply contrasted with my cloven hoofed stomp toward the soda case. Damn his grace & beauty!
When the going gets tough, you need to realize you don't chew your food well enough & need to eat more vegetables.
My obituary will most likely contain the phrases, "Argued often with her cats" and "Asphyxiation due to a battle with her own hiccups."
One time, I wrestled an alligator so hard I broke his arm. People say I lie about stuff.
