Just bought two funny friends' new books - @hotcomestodie  http://tinyurl.com/dxmkgfd  and @moooooog35  http://tinyurl.com/cmsq9ao  Cheers!

"The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public." ~ George Jessel

I *want* to seize the day. I really do. If only the day would come over here by the recliner where I could reach it.

"Being a writer is like having homework every night for the rest of your life." ~Lawrence Kasden #writing

Apparently my new purse has an automatic tampon launcher. Fun for everyone at both grocery store and dry cleaners today. Heads up!

Wrangler introduces "moisturizing" jeans. Because if there's one thing we'd all like more of in our pants, it's humidity.

This is one of those days when I'm feeling pressured by the feminine protection industry to do water sports.

I love walking in on a conversation in my house that ends with "...now smell your hands."

I've been approached to do a blog giveaway of Ben Wa balls. Not sure if I'm doing something wrong...or very, very *right.*

Cropped shirts are back? Over my dead muffintop.

Re cuffed jeans: it's a fine line between jaunty and Slingblade.

Hey, Snickers: 2 inches long is pretty much the opposite of "fun size."

To the woman *flossing her teeth* in the mall (ech!): When I find my callous sander in my purse, you're in for a snowstorm.

Last night I dreamed I could fly. Yeah, I served crap food and lost some people's luggage, but still.

Spooning the beagle. (That's not code for anything. We have a beagle. I'm spooning him.)

Apparently, I need to eat 400 more of these toasted pumpkin seeds before I can decide whether they taste like dog vomit.

I love it when I run spellcheck and the only word that gets highlighted is "pantload."

You guys, my blog post about spraining my dominant boob is in @alltop_humor's Top 5 list! http://t.co/mKX67ZVg #Humor

The only way I could run the #lamarathon would be to hire someone to chase me with a hatchet.

Twitter, are you from Beverly Hills? Because you've definitely had a little work done since the last time I saw you.