I could really go for a PB&J (pork brain and jaguar) sandwich right now.

Chewing a gum called "Nonstop Mint." So, if you don't like mint you're shit out of luck because it's nonstop.

Asked the mailman "Can you miss a friend you've never met?" He just put his hands on his hips and let me touch his beard.

Shouldn't have sunk all my cash into one idea (dad-only Caribbean cruises).

At any given moment you can find Billy Crystal and Robin Williams taking a bath together, playing with action figures.

The best part about being an American is the endless supply of paper plates.

I want an open casket wedding!

I have been described as "real squat," "Teresa," "affordable," "lucky duck," and "smells like uncooked rice."

Nothing more disappointing than finding a partially frozen dead clown in the freezer section at Costco.

To make matters worse, bring a sword.

If you see me walking around in your yard, relax. I'm just thinking.

Google must be down. I tried searching "Hawaiian vacations under 30 cents" and nothing came up!

Wish all y'all were puppies but I make do

The ultimate last-minute gift is a lock of your own hair

Wore a Twin Peaks T-shirt out and got absolutely ZERO knowing nods or "Hey, I getcha" winks. What a motherfucking disaster.

I would love to meet Dane Cook's ghost, because that would mean he is dead.

I have like at least FOUR pairs of scissors, so I'm doing pretty well for myself.

My "wingman" is my shovel.

You haven't even fucking lived until you've seen me yelling "Shelby, come home!" into an empty ball pit.

How to Get Ice: I don't know! This is too much pressure! I have no advice!