Chicago lost it's three O's

-Obama
-Olympics
-Oprah

Without them it's just Chicag.

Ahhh what a great Sunday. Mimosas, brunch, whiskey sour, and @michaelbmccann #ilovemylife

It is not stupid to be mad but don't let being mad make you stupid.

The grass is always greener where you water it.

Happiness is a choice.

There's a carrot in my fries!
#sneakyvegtables http://t.co/kKUZHez

Update: Walle-E (my iPhone 4) is currently submerged in white rice. Cross your fingers he'll be ok.
#ifeeldeadinsidewithoutmyphone

Laffy taffy moment: why can't a nose be 12 inches long?


Because then it would be a foot. Haha

A question I never thought someone would ask me: "why were your pants off in my grandmas car?"

Guy: "Is that the iPhone?"

Me: "yep"

Guy: "Cool, I hear that thing cures cancer"

Me: "Yea there's an app for that."

Overhead: "It wasn't sex...it was awkward naked time"

If I were a vegetable I'd be a radish because I'm only sorta rad.

Sometimes I wish Google Maps had a "Avoid the ghetto" option

In Kentucky they think people in Chicago walk around wearing leather pants with a leather shirt and pizza in their hand.

For people with birthdays in December, I bet your bday would be a bigger deal if you were conceived by a virgin.

When you hit someone with a knife thats called stabbing.

Hey willow, this fog is making my eyes water. I guess it's a good thing you handed me a tissue when I walked in. #willowcreek #easter

One of my students gave me a candy cane. #wrongholiday

He's the best. http://t.co/g8UA22P1

Why the hell did you take your shoes off?

Why the hell are you dressed like a chicken?

#homealone