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You know what they say, "Liquor before beer, nothing to fear. Wine from a box, oops I fucked a guy who wears Crocs."
Sex is like riding a bike, you never forget how your dad taught you to do it.
I don't shit where I eat but I do fuck where I get coffee.
Orlando Bloom threw a punch at Justin Bieber. Moments later the Queen emerged from a puff of smoke and promptly knighted him.
All sidewalks should have a special lane for text-walkers that eventually leads them straight into traffic.
I finally bought a copy of "50 Shades of Grey." I'm supposed to roll it up and shove it in my pussy, right?
That game Words With Friends looks pretty hard. Not the knowing words but the having friends.
Instructions for white guys with dreads: Step 1. Kill yourself.
Step 2. Come back to life.
Step 3. Kill yourself again.
Shaved my nipples. Who's comin' over?
Ray Liotta should quit being an actor and just become a crooked cop already.
Oh shit! I got April Fools Day and 4/20 mixed up. Now I've spent all morning celebrating Hitler's bday. Guess I am a fool.
Can't go out tonight. I'm watching the Oscars on Twitter.
Kurt Cobain killed himself 1 mon& 4 days after Justin Bieber's birth. Further proof that he was one of the greatest visionaries of our time
A black guy on the subway looked me up & down & then gave me a thumbs up. That means he gave me permission to say the n-word, right?
I wanna go as your mom for Halloween but I don't think I can fit that many dicks inside me.
Lotta people misspelling MILK today
Playing Draw Something w. my orphan friend. Got the word "parents" & didn't wanna hurt her feelings so I left it blank. She totally got it!
Comedian. Chelsea Lately. O&A. Comedy Central. Cheryl in GTA V Like me on FB for updates: http://facebook.com/annieledz Watch: http://youtu.be/rCqpo5iHgnQ