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You know what they say, "Liquor before beer, nothing to fear. Wine from a box, oops I fucked a guy who wears Crocs."
Sex is like riding a bike, you never forget how your dad taught you to do it.
I don't shit where I eat but I do fuck where I get coffee.
All sidewalks should have a special lane for text-walkers that eventually leads them straight into traffic.
That game Words With Friends looks pretty hard. Not the knowing words but the having friends.
Instructions for white guys with dreads: Step 1. Kill yourself.
Step 2. Come back to life.
Step 3. Kill yourself again.
I finally bought a copy of "50 Shades of Grey." I'm supposed to roll it up and shove it in my pussy, right?
Shaved my nipples. Who's comin' over?
Ray Liotta should quit being an actor and just become a crooked cop already.
Oh shit! I got April Fools Day and 4/20 mixed up. Now I've spent all morning celebrating Hitler's bday. Guess I am a fool.
Can't go out tonight. I'm watching the Oscars on Twitter.
A black guy on the subway looked me up & down & then gave me a thumbs up. That means he gave me permission to say the n-word, right?
I wanna go as your mom for Halloween but I don't think I can fit that many dicks inside me.
Lotta people misspelling MILK today
Playing Draw Something w. my orphan friend. Got the word "parents" & didn't wanna hurt her feelings so I left it blank. She totally got it!
I quit drinking 5 years ago today. Turns out you don't need to be drunk to show your tits to strangers.
I'm finding myself more and more attracted to younger boys. Oh my god, I'm turning into my father.
Kurt Cobain killed himself 1 mon& 4 days after Justin Bieber's birth. Further proof that he was one of the greatest visionaries of our time
I'm jealous of the trees Bob Ross painted because they get to be happy
Comedian. Chelsea Lately. O&A. Comedy Central. Cheryl in GTA V Like me on FB for updates: http://facebook.com/annieledz Watch: http://youtu.be/rCqpo5iHgnQ