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You know what they say, "Liquor before beer, nothing to fear. Wine from a box, oops I fucked a guy who wears Crocs."
Sex is like riding a bike, you never forget how your dad taught you to do it.
I don't shit where I eat but I do fuck where I get coffee.
Do you think men with ponytails ever get tired of people giving them swords for Christmas?
Gwyneth Paltrow nominated Chris Martin to do the Ice Bucket Challenge which is sad bc that's exactly what he used to call having sex w. her
Orlando Bloom threw a punch at Justin Bieber. Moments later the Queen emerged from a puff of smoke and promptly knighted him.
All sidewalks should have a special lane for text-walkers that eventually leads them straight into traffic.
I finally bought a copy of "50 Shades of Grey." I'm supposed to roll it up and shove it in my pussy, right?
That game Words With Friends looks pretty hard. Not the knowing words but the having friends.
Instructions for white guys with dreads: Step 1. Kill yourself.
Step 2. Come back to life.
Step 3. Kill yourself again.
I wish selfies were like smoking cigarettes. Like you'd have to be at least 18 to take them. Oh and they'd give you cancer.
Shaved my nipples. Who's comin' over?
Ray Liotta should quit being an actor and just become a crooked cop already.
Oh shit! I got April Fools Day and 4/20 mixed up. Now I've spent all morning celebrating Hitler's bday. Guess I am a fool.
If my nudes ever get leaked, I pray they're from at least 2 phones ago.
Can't go out tonight. I'm watching the Oscars on Twitter.
Comedian. Girl Code, Chelsea Lately. Comedy Central. Cheryl in GTA V Like me on FB for updates: http://facebook.com/annieledz Watch: http://youtu.be/rCqpo5iHgnQ