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Men who are upset that I curse, there are so many other things to get mad at me for. Like, did you know I can vote? I also show my ankles!
Driving to Blockbuster, roaming the aisles, getting a movie &a pickle-in-a-bag took 25% less time than finding something to watch on Netflix
Ben Affleck getting divorced and ruining his kids childhood is a lot like Ben Affleck playing Batman and ruining all of our childhoods
When my parents go crazy on FB I wanna say, "I BROUGHT U INTO TO THIS WORLD, I CAN TAKE U OUT" & then change the passwords I set for them.
You know what they say, "Liquor before beer, nothing to fear. Wine from a box, oops I fucked a guy who wears Crocs."
I lost my virginity on a waterbed when I was 14 in Northeast Philly and now I'm a grown woman w zero tattoos. Where to I pick up my medal?
Internet trolls would have a much easier time if they just learned the difference between "your" and "you're"
Sex is like riding a bike, you never forget how your dad taught you to do it.
I don't shit where I eat but I do fuck where I get coffee.
I love when people mistake my ADHD for mind games. Only game I play is "Where Are My Keys That Are in My Hand"
It takes me 3 months to fold my laundry.
"I'm not a cat person or a dog person. I'm a human person" -someone with a human chained up in their basement
I wish I could get married and have kids but I look so bad with short hair :(
I'm a comedian lol! You've seen me on @girlcode , Chelsea Lately. @midnight , wrapped in ur mom's satin sheets, & I'm Cheryl in GTA V
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