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Driving to Blockbuster, roaming the aisles, getting a movie &a pickle-in-a-bag took 25% less time than finding something to watch on Netflix
Ben Affleck getting divorced and ruining his kids childhood is a lot like Ben Affleck playing Batman and ruining all of our childhoods
You know what they say, "Liquor before beer, nothing to fear. Wine from a box, oops I fucked a guy who wears Crocs."
Sex is like riding a bike, you never forget how your dad taught you to do it.
I don't shit where I eat but I do fuck where I get coffee.
"I'm not a cat person or a dog person. I'm a human person" -someone with a human chained up in their basement
I wish I could get married and have kids but I look so bad with short hair :(
Do you think men with ponytails ever get tired of people giving them swords for Christmas?
Gwyneth Paltrow nominated Chris Martin to do the Ice Bucket Challenge which is sad bc that's exactly what he used to call having sex w. her
Orlando Bloom threw a punch at Justin Bieber. Moments later the Queen emerged from a puff of smoke and promptly knighted him.
I'm a comedian lol! Watch my new talk show We Have Issues Fridays at 10:30pm on E! You've seen me on @girlcode , Chelsea Lately. @midnight .Cheryl in GTA V
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