Sex is like riding a bike, you never forget how your dad taught you to do it.

I don't shit where I eat but I do fuck where I get coffee.

That game Words With Friends looks pretty hard. Not the knowing words but the having friends.

I finally bought a copy of "50 Shades of Grey." I'm supposed to roll it up and shove it in my pussy, right?

Shaved my nipples. Who's comin' over?

Oh shit! I got April Fools Day and 4/20 mixed up. Now I've spent all morning celebrating Hitler's bday. Guess I am a fool.

Ray Liotta should quit being an actor and just become a crooked cop already.

A black guy on the subway looked me up & down & then gave me a thumbs up. That means he gave me permission to say the n-word, right?

Playing Draw Something w. my orphan friend. Got the word "parents" & didn't wanna hurt her feelings so I left it blank. She totally got it!

I'm finding myself more and more attracted to younger boys. Oh my god, I'm turning into my father.

"Missed Connections" should be called "I'm a Pussy & Didn't Say Hi but Stared Long Enough to Memorize Your Outfit, Eye Color,& Hairstyle"

Never send me a dick pic. If you wanna turn me on, send me a pic of you ignoring my last text.

It takes a lot of ball to admit when you've taken steroids.

Just flossed for the first time in months. I didn't realize how much blood I had stuck between my teeth.

Afraid of dying alone? Just have your bf/gf move in to save money on rent. It'll turn that fear into a goal real quick.

I love being single so much I wanna marry it. And then cheat on it with a bunch of strangers.

Nice try Jews! He's backkkkkkk!

My AT&T dropped calls are a lot like my sexual experiences, they end before I'm finished and they're usually with my dad.

I hate when my undergarments don't match. So I only wear bras with skid marks on them.

Just heard a kid call his friend a cunt. Couldn't believe it. I went right up to him &sternly said, "Call me in 8 years. I'll wait for you."