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Driving to Blockbuster, roaming the aisles, getting a movie &a pickle-in-a-bag took 25% less time than finding something to watch on Netflix
Ben Affleck getting divorced and ruining his kids childhood is a lot like Ben Affleck playing Batman and ruining all of our childhoods
You know what they say, "Liquor before beer, nothing to fear. Wine from a box, oops I fucked a guy who wears Crocs."
I lost my virginity on a waterbed when I was 14 in Northeast Philly and now I'm a grown woman w zero tattoos. Where to I pick up my medal?
Sex is like riding a bike, you never forget how your dad taught you to do it.
I don't shit where I eat but I do fuck where I get coffee.
I love when people mistake my ADHD for mind games. Only game I play is "Where Are My Keys That Are in My Hand"
"I'm not a cat person or a dog person. I'm a human person" -someone with a human chained up in their basement
I wish I could get married and have kids but I look so bad with short hair :(
Do you think men with ponytails ever get tired of people giving them swords for Christmas?
It's almost like Twitter is like "here are some tiny red hearts! Sorry about all those eggs that call you fat on a daily basis"
I'm a comedian lol! You've seen me on @girlcode , Chelsea Lately. @midnight , wrapped in ur mom's satin sheets, & I'm Cheryl in GTA V
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